Deep Thoughts

Jeez.. 

Why Does That Really Hit Me Hard? Like I'm Not Even Triggered By It. I Am More Of Agreeing To It? It's Accurate... And It's So Relatable To My Life. I've Realized How Much This Made Sense To Me. Like Snap Me Out Of It And Realize Things Differently. Trying To Understand Myself And Learning That I Can Balance It Out. If I Am Able To Realize Quickly And Stop Myself. 

1-Feeling Every Emotion To The Max Is Exhausting: Alright So This Is Accurate Because Yes.. I Become Overwhelmed When I Am Around A Crowd Of People. I Feel Insecure To Walk, Breath And Stand There Calmly. I Always Have To Cross My Arms, Dead Stare Of Observation And Just Stressing Out If I'm Standing Straight Or Not. It's Like If I'm Not Standing Straight With My Chest Out, Shoulders Straight And Keeping A Straight Balance. It Overwhelms The Fuck Out Of Me.. I Start To Also Hear Everything Clearly And My Vision Becomes Sharp. I Start To Feel The Heavy Energy All Around Me Like A Shadow. Pretty Annoying And I Become Exhausted Easily. Dealing With Conventions, Malls, Airports Or Just A Big Level Amount Of People. It Overwhelms Me Deeply But I've Changed That Around. I Started To Push Myself Forward With Communicating With A High Level Amount Of People. Either In Public Or Over The Internet.. I've Been Learning To Become More Social. Trying To Learn How To Speak Softer Because I'm Very Firm With My Tone. It Either Sounds Like I'm Yelling, Upset Or Just Both. Which Sadly That Isn't How I'm Feeling... I'm Just Trying To Sound Normal But I Always Sound Like A Bitch. Heh It's Annoying Honestly And It Only Happens With Strangers. When I'm Around Friends And Family, My Voice Becomes Softer. I Started To Realize That A Lot During Conversations Over Zoom With Work. Or When I'm Communicating With Friends Over A Chat Call. My Voice Sounds Very Strict At Work And Gentle Off Work. Eh..I've Been Practicing More Because I'm Going To Start Speaking To More People Over The Phone.. Or In Person. I'm Trying .. I Really Am And I'm Trying To Be Social With Everyone. Even If I Don't Want To Be Social.. I Have To Sadly Because I Need To Learn To Be Normal Not A Hermit. 

My Virgo Moon In 7th House Of Libra. I Just Need To Stop Being Anti Social With My Emotions And Use My Wisdom Of Social Skills By Using It With Everyone I Speak To. It's Not Like I Don't Like Human Contact. It's Just I Feel Like I'm Sponging All The Energy Within Me. I'm Not Able To Handle It All At Once. But Slowly I've Been Learning To Balance My Energy Within These Changes. I've Been Doing Better And I'm Able To Balance Within The Shift. 

2-Always Worried About Being Abandoned Is Exhausting: Yeah I Really Have That Problem But I Can't Allow It To Eat Me Anymore. It's Sad And I Can't Control What Someone Else Does. They Either Want To Leave, Disappear Or Stay. It Hurts Me When They Leave And Never Come Back. It Hurts Me Deeply And I Cry For Days, Weeks And Months. Sometimes The Thought Of It Lingers In The Back Of My Head. I Become Hurt And I Tend To Blame Myself For It. I Get Reminded Over And Over That People Tend To Leave For Their Own Issues. People Tend To Also Misjudge You And Assume Things Without Trying To Understand It. Sometimes People Just Disappear And Not Care What The Other One Feels. I'm Getting Used To It By Now.. Sometimes People Disappear And I Become So Worried. I Start To Think It's My Fault And That I Am The Problem. I Start To Punish Myself For Things That I Have No Control Over. Suddenly They Appear Back Into My Life And Apologizing To Me. Letting Me Know That They Have Been Extremely Busy. Letting Me Know What Has Been Happening And Apologizing More For The Abandonment. Honestly? I Appreciate It When They Do That To Me Because It Gives Me Closure. It Shows That I Mean Something To Them And They Thought Of Me During The Separation. They Thought Of Me To Come Back And Reconnect With Me. Express Themselves And Let Me Know How Things Are Going. Stuff Like That Makes Me So Happy. It Gives Me Hope And It Shows Me That They Care About Me. I Don't Think I Ever Broken A Friendship Even Though Friends Have Broken The Connection With Me First. I've Been Dealing With It For Years But Now Things Have Been Different. I've Been Dealing With It Often And It's Getting To The Point That I Don't Try To Let It Hurt Me. I Just Let It Go And I Allow It To Flow On Its Own. If The Energy Wants To Come Back In. I Let It In Without An Issue And Open To It With A Welcome. If I Notice A Certain Person Leave And I Don't Want Them To Come Back. I Delete, Block, Hide Myself Everywhere In Social Media Because I Don't Want Them To Ever Find Me. I Never Was Like This .. But I've Been Changing. The Aquarius Rising In The 1st House Is Connected To My Scorpio Pluto In The 9th House. It's The Biggest Shadow Energy Over My Aquarius.. I Am Now In The Heavy Shadows Of Scorpio And I Tend To Have Personality Traits Of A Scorpio. 
I Have Two Sides Of Me And I Normally Don't Block People That Easily. I've Changed A Lot Since The Biggest Pain I Ever Dealt With. I Dealt With So Many Of Them For The Past 3 Years. My Heart Has Really Taken A Beaten And I'm Exhausted Mentally From It. I'm Been Feeling Numb Lately And I'm Just Trying To Recharge Myself Again. I'm Recovering Myself Slowly, Recharging My Energy Back To Normal And I'm Trying To Reconnect With Reality Again. I Need To Snap Out Of It And Not Drown Myself. I'm Always Trying My Best To Lift Myself Up And Not Fall Back Down. I'm Tired Of Always Falling And Not Standing. I Must Stay Strong And Allow Energy To Flow When It Magnets In. 
My Chiron In Cancer With 5th House In Leo Of Partnerships, Connections And The Energy Within Me With Others. My Wounded Warrior Energy Has Been Backstabbed Too Many Times. I Am Used To Betrayal And Dealing With The Pain Of Getting Hurt. But I Can't Guard Myself To The World And Not Let People In. I Must Trust And See What They Can Give Back With A Shield. I Will Have My Armor, Shield And Sword In Case Something Happens Randomly To Me. This Time Though.. I Don't Need A Shield And I Will Have My Two Handed Sword Holding Tightly With Both Of My Hands.

3-Battling Frequent Self+Destructive Urges Is Exhausting: All My Life Has Been A Burning Tower Coming Down And Never Standing Straight On Its Own. I'm So Used To Standing In-Front Of The Tower Burning Down. Seeing The Ashes Of Broken Down Pieces Burning To The Ground Or Turning Into Smoke. The Sky Is Filled With Smokey Ash And It Smells Awful. The Fire Is So High That Sometimes The Fire Doesn't Turn Off Quickly. My Sun In Pisces Is Connected To 1st House Of Aries And My Rising In Aquarius Is Linked To That Same House. My Tower Is Always Burning And I Could Either Turn It Off With Water Or Blow It Out With Air. It All Depends On How I Handle That Energy... I Have Never Been Single For A Year And 2 Months In 2021-2022..Once Again I'm 9 Months Dealing With My Own Stuff. 

I Always Dated Someone Quickly As Soon As A Relationship Was Over. I Started To Date When I Was 10 Years Old. I Dated Over The Internet, Playing Videos Games With My Exs. I've Met Two From Online Dating And I Do Speak To Them Still. They Are Married With Their Own Families But I'm Proud Of Them. They Care About My Life And My Happiness. Sadly I Can't Really Show Much Like Them But I'm Able To Show I Am Strong. Dealing With My Own Problems Alone. Working Snd Staying Healthy While Educating Myself In School. The Energies Over The Years When It Came To Dating Or Work Has Been Very Stressful. Either My Relationships Start To Last Longer But I Was Getting Betrayed Often Or Disappointed. I Become Overwhelmed, Revengeful And Just Plain Spiteful. I Start To Change To A Different Person Like I'm Not The Same Anymore. The Energy Of Being Devoted, Sweet And Just Supportive Has Died Out. I Start To Become Lack Of Interest And I Try My Hardest To Save It. But It Ends Up Breaking Down The Towers All Over. The Aquarius In Venus In My 1st House Of Aries Is Like A Cut Off Your Head Or Stay Energy...       I Think I've Saved My Work Life More Instead Of My Relationships. Maybe Because They Weren't Worth It? And I Was Playing Myself Even More. I Just Can't Believe I Had Someone Who Was Able To Success 8 Years Of Mental Confusion To Me. I'm Glad That Tower Broke Down... I Broke Down So Many Walls During This Transformation. I Deleted So Much Memories Out Of Me. Blocked Many Data Out Of Me And Left Open Space For Something To Come Back In. It's Like I'm Not Allowing Just Anyone Into My New Tower, My Beautiful Kingdom That Easily. I'm Much More Selective And I Just Don't Speak To Just Anyone. I Have To Really Study The Person First Before Allowing Them Into My Life. I'm Sick Of The Bullshit And Dealing With People Now.
It's A Fucking Handful And If I'm Willing To Be There For You.Be Fucking Grateful Because I'm Sick Of Showing The Caring Loving Side Of Me For Me To Get Stabbed. My Closest Friends Are Understanding Me More Each Time And They Know The Issues I Dealt With. I've Been Stabbed, Pushed, Or Burned So Many Times By Energies. It's So Painful At Times That I Rather Not Deal With That Anymore. I Want To Stay Calm With My Connections And Not Have To Feel Overwhelmed. I Understand If Someone Is Jumpy And Worried That I May Leave. I Won't.. I Will Never Leave. It's You That Leaves Me Not Me. I Never Will Leave You Unless You Hurt Me And If You Do Hurt Me. I Have Friends For 25 Years Now.. I'm Very Very Loyal And Try To Keep My Energy Strong With My Friends. If There's A Connection That Does Hurt Me. That's When You're Actually Very Lucky.. I'm Not Revengeful Anymore. I Just Close The Door, Key It And Burn The Whole Door Down. "Bye"... But Sometimes The People I Want To Return Back. I Just Look At The Door With This Deep Look Of Wonder And I Get Nervous. I'm Trying Really Hard To Balance That Side Of Me. I Don't Want To Think So Much And I Don't Sleep Well When I Think A Lot. Or My Back Is Hurting Me From Overly Thinking And Being Tense. Feeling Overly Nervous And My Stomach Starts To Become Overwhelmed. Oh God So Many Things I Had To Control About Myself. My Body Just Shuts Down And It Could End Up Being Painful. Body Aches, Bladder Pain And Ibs. Thank God I've Been Able To Control That And Give Myself A Peace Of Mind. Sometimes It Can Be Hard But I've Been Learning Little Tricks. It's Been Working And I'm Able To Handle Things Easier. I'm So Glad.. Because The Pains My Body Would Go Through.. It Was Bad. 

4-Getting Paranoid + Psychotic Is Exhausting: You Know.. This Is Only Accurate Because I Predict Things So Easily About Behaviors And Cause/Effect. I Could Be Dealing With Someone Who Has A Mask And Their Real Face Under. They Tend To Show Me Their Lovey Mask That's Filled With Beautiful Memories But When They Show Me Their Face. Oh God .. Is This What They Are To Me? And This Is What They Are? This Is Disgusting And I Become Angry. I Start To Get Overly Paranoid And Start Feeling Highly Stressed Out.. I Start To Feel The Energies Changing And I Become Psychotic With Ideas Rising Up In My Mind. Very Negative Ideas And I Start To Become Aggressive. Yah.. No I Can't Do That.. It Was Getting Scary. That Shouldn't Be Me.. Someone Trying To Rip You Into Pieces. Lilith.. Control Yourself, Please. My Lilith Moon In Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse In Libra With The 8th House Of Scorpio Pluto.. Oh My Scorpio Energy Gets In And Becomes Darker. The Horns Start To Show And The Fire Within Me Grows. Yah.. Not Good And I Need To Try To Balance That Out. During Full Moon, New Moon, Super Moon, Eclipse Moon.. I’m Going Through Strong Meditation Rituals To Cleanse Myself. Balance The Energy Within Me And Try To Keep Myself In Check. I Learned There Was Someone Who Was Purposely Hurting Me During Those Heavy Moons. Now I've Learned That I Need To Be Careful And Balance My Energies. I'm Doing Better And I Feel In Peace. I Always Protect The People I Care About During Those Heavy Moon Phases. They Know Why I Don't Spend Time With Them During A Certain Day Of The Month. I'm Glad.. I Have People Who Respect My Moon Phases. It Shows That They Follow Direction And They Respect My Boundaries. I Was Speaking To Someone Who Was Very Respectful Of My Moon Calendar. I Thought He Was Very Cute For That And He Would Always Make Me Smile.. I Miss That.. 

5-Jumping Between Emotions Is Exhausting:            Oh Lord This Is Irritating For Sure Mostly That I Suffer With A Grand Cross Bullshit Combo. I Am A Mars In Taurus With The 3rd House Of Gemini On My Communications With People, Work, Love And Self. I Deal With My Scorpio Pluto Hitting That Shit Hard With The 9th House In Sagittarius. Both Are Fixed And Mutable Houses. Fucking Lovely Right? Emotional Energy Of Mars Being Bipolar As Fuck. Hard Working Strict And Always Transformation Energy. I'm One Big Mob Boss Combo And It's So Difficult For Me To Control That. I Love So Strong That I Cherish The Person With Expensive Gifts And My Emotions. I Want To Show Them All The Appreciation That I Have For Them. I Show Them That They Are Very Important To Me And Always Trying To Show Them That They Mean A Lot To Me. 
When I Hate Someone.. I Would Want Them To Get Burn With All The Energy That I Release Out Of Me. It's A Difficult Energy To Control Honestly. That's Why People Joke Around With Me And Call Me Certain Nicknames. I Wish I Could Have The Force Grip Of Anakin. Sometimes The Energy Sounds Wonderful To Deal With At Times. Bleh.. Irritating And I'm Not Even Done With The Energy Of Aquarius And Leo... So This One Is Very Amusing Because My Aquarius Is Not From This World. My Leo Is Always Dealing With Pride And How I Am In Person. Both Of These Energies Are Crossing Each Another But... It's Different. My Aquarius Is The 1st House Of Aries And Leo Is With Virgo In 6th House. This Energy Is Very Hot And Cold Or Fun And Arguing. I Have To Balance Both Energies To Keep Myself Sane. My Leo Tends To Be Extremely Picky, Observant, And Not Easily To Impressed. If You Impress Me? And I’m Interested In You? You’re One Lucky Son Of A Bitch Honestly.. Yah.. I'm Serious. I Don't Get Amused By People Easily. You Really Have To Catch My Eye For Me To Give You My Attention. Oh.. And If I Become Weak To My Knees For You? I'm Basically Fucked. I Become Soft, Loving And Showing This Different Side Of Me. I Want To Spoil You, Show My Support And Be There For You When You Call Me. I Want To Show My Devoted Energy To You And Want You To Know That You're The Only Person In My Life. I Get Stuck In Your Bubble. I Become The Helpless Romantic .. Wanting To Give You My All And Even Though I Am Allowing My Heart To Be Open To You. It Could Either Get Me Hurt Or Rewarded.. That's Something I Have To Control And Balance. I Don't Want To Be Obsessed.. I Want To Be The Persons Partner And I Want To Trust Them. I Want To Be Their Cheerleader, Their Friend, Their Business Partner And Their Lover. I'm Trying Really Hard To Fix That Side Of Me. I Want To Be That Person That You Can Come To Me About Anything. I Want To Share My Knowledge With You. Business, Science, Medical, History, Education Of Any Hobby That I Can Find Or Learn From.I'm The Type Of Person That I Want To Know What You're Into, What You Study, What Your Hobbies Are And What Makes You Smile. What's The Comfort Food That You Enjoy Or Show That Makes You Feel Better. What Can I Do? To Make Your Day Better? I Realized That.. I Can Do That With All My Friends, Family And Myself But When It Comes To That Special Partner. It's Still On Pending And I Recently Showed That Energy To Someone.. I Recently Showed That Real Energy To Someone That I Truly Respected, Appreciated And Cared So Deeply For. I Still Care For That Energy And I Thinking About That Energy Every Single Day... I Miss You...This Shift Has Been Intense And I'm Really Changing A Lot.. I'm Proud Of What's Happening To Me And I'm Learning.. To Care So Much About Myself Now..