The Death Card: Transformation into A New Me.

Chapter 1: I Realized That Triggers Are Life Lessons Not A Curse.

Triggers Are Extremely Normal In The Human Mind Because Our Bodies Are Always In Defense. A Person Who Suffers With Post Traumatic Disorder Tends To Fight With Their Mind More Often Than Anyone. I Believe Now … People Suffer More With So Many Different Mental Disorders That It's Quiet Normal. It's Either Passed Down By Our Parents, Developed In The Early Ages Of Childhood Or Adulthood. I Don't Believe Anyone Who Says They Don't Have A Disorder. Everyone Has A Disorder No Matter What.. Just Some People Can Handle It Better With Strength, Meditation, Drugs, Support From Another Human Beings Or Blocking It Off. I Clearly Don't Recommend The Blocking Out Part Because That's Not Growth. You Can't Do It Alone And You Need Someone To Speak To. Yes .. I Understand Sometimes We Need To Learn Self Discipline When It Comes To Inner Work. I Am Sadly One Of Them Now And I've Shifted My Personality Very Strongly For The Past Few Months. It's Very Strange But .. It's Been A Year That I've Been Shifting Energies With Other People. I Started To Learn What True Kindness Feels When It Comes To Connections. I'm Able To Build My Confidence Level Again And Trust Others. I'm Not Afraid Like I Used To Or Overly Think It's My Fault. I Try Not To Judge Anyone And I Try My Best To Allow Them To Come Into My Life Without A Problem. I'm Trying To Be A Better Me And To Understand Others For Their Disabilities Or Mental Disorders. I Care So Much About Others Now And How They Feel. I Hope Today .. This Blog Will Help You In Why Being Helped Is Very Important. Today Has Marked One Year With A Friend Of Mine That I Met Over Tiktok. I Hadn't Been In The Online World To Met Others In Years. It's Been Over 13 Years That I Stopped Doing That And I Reconnected Last Year Into This Old Self. I Don't Regret And I've Learned To Have More Confidence. I'm Very Thankful For The New Connections That I Met And People I've Reconnected With. It's Been A Blessing And I'm Super Happy About It. I Remember I Used To Write To Others That I Don't Know In Real Life Or Role Play In Those Old AOL Chat Rooms. LOL Very Funny How Much I Had The Courage To Do That. I Was Able To Socialize With Anyone Over The Internet Without A Problem. But In Person I'm Always Freaking Out And Having To Take Drugs To Communicate. Either I Have To Smoke Some Weed, Take An Edible Or Drink A Shot. I Guess Being Bullied A Lot When I Was Younger Really Did A Fucking Number On Me. I Had To Learn To Build Myself Up By Learning To Create Personas For Myself. I Needed To Find Ways To Make Myself Build Character To Interact With Others In The Real World. But I Noticed Each Time I Tried .. I Continued To Feel Like I Wasn't Able To Do It In Person.

April 29, 2023 (4/11/7=22/4/13) I Am Born On The 22nd With The Energy Of Aries 1st House In My Pisces Sun, Aquarius Rising And Venus. I Am Going Through The Transformation Of Growth Under Pluto's Shift Of Aquarius. Scorpio Rules Pluto In Transformation As The Death Card 13th And Aries Is The Emperor Of 4. 22 Means New Beginnings, New Chapters And Growth. Let Me Share To You My Experiences And Why I Believe I Am Growing, Learning And Understanding The World Better. It Took Years Of Experiences To Grow Up To Who I Am Today. I Believe In The Words Of My Teachers And Mentors When They Told Me That I Am Going To End Up Being A Completely New Person And Someone That No One Is Going To Understand How? I Transformed Into. People When They Reconnect With Me After A Few Weeks. Would Tell Me The Same Thing Over And Over. "You've Been Changing A Lot, Huh?" And I Would Smile Because It's Been Very Accurate. 

Chapter 2: Early Kindergarten To 2nd Grade Of Private Catholic School: 

When I Was Younger.. Making Friends Was Pretty Hard And I Had To Really Try My Best To Not Sound Strange To Others. I Was The Odd One In Catholic School.. And I Had A Strange Point Of View About The World. I Tend To See Things That Weren't There And It Was A Bit Hard To Express These Things To My Parents. It Was Difficult To Explain Stuff When The Language Barrier Was Difficult. They Spoke Spanish And I Spoke English.. You Could Imagine The Issues There. The Triggers Of Having To Deal With Others In School And I Wasn't Able To Express Myself. Either I Had Trouble Reading Or Speaking For I Am Dyslexic And I Suffer With Adhd. I Wasn't Normal To Anyone Not Even My Teachers And I Felt Like The Black Sheep In The Back Of The Class. I Was Born Left Handed And I Wasn't Allowed To Use My Left Hand For Writing.. It Was A "Sin" In The Eyes Of The Religion And It Made My Mindset More Confused. I Am Dyslexic And Having To Do Something Like That Confused My Development.

I Always Had A Friend Who Would Attach Themselves To Me And Control Me Like I Was Their Partner More Than Friend. It's Weird But My Sexuality Was Confused In Such A Early Age. I Didn't Know What Was Right Or Wrong When I Was Younger. It Was Triggering And I Was Very Guarded About My Approach With Others. She Was A Leo, Very Controlling And Kept Giving Me The Role Of A Male. Yeah I Did Had An Interest In The Early Age Of My Childhood With Comic Books, Power Rangers, Nintendo Mario And Just Boy Stuff. I Guess She Thought Because I Was Into All Of That. I Was Basically Her Boyfriend And It Was Very Annoying To Deal With. Having To Say No To Her Often Was Overwhelming. She Would Get Upset With Me And Guilt Trip Me. She Was Jealous Of My Another Friend Who Was Asian.. She Didn't Like Me Being Around Her Even Though I Enjoyed The Asian Culture And How Intelligent My Friend Was. I Always Was Around Very Intelligent People And It Bought Me So Much Interest To Be Like Them. I Felt Heart Broken When My Asian Friend Moved Away And I Was Stuck With My Hispanic Friend. The Leo Was Dealing With A Troubled Childhood And She Always Wanted To Be In Control. I Kept Accepting It Because I Guess I Felt Alone? I Was Confused About Religion And How My Mind Wouldn't Focus With The Catholic Ways.. It Was Such A Trigger To Me And My Mind Was All About Spiritual Things That Looked Different To Me. I Would Dream Of Things That I Didn't Understand. I Actually Remember Having A Dream Of My Rebirth In The Age Of 6 But Explaining It To My Mother Was Very Confusing. I Learned Later With Anime That I Was Dreaming Of A Re-Carnation. I Would See Things That I Wasn't Sure About. I Also Would Deal With Demonic Energies That My Parents Wouldn't Believe Me In. My Apartment That I Used To Live In .. I Felt Like It Was Haunted. The Woman Underneath Us Was Witchy And I Didn't Like Her Energy Near Me. My Energy Is Like A Black Cat .. Sniffing Your Hand And Hissing If I Don't Like Something. I Learned To Develop My Own Language Of Code Using Certain Tones Of Meows. My Parents Learned With Me Certain Sounds And Words Were Code. I Developed Code In A Very Early Again Because It Helped My Memory With Spelling, Sounding Out Words Or Writing. I Would Write Certain Codes To Practice How To Speak, Read And Write. Interesting How My Mind Was Thinking In A Different Ways When It Came To Education. I Dealt With Girls With Parent Relationship Issues. Either Their Mothers Were Divorced Looking For Rich Men, Parents With Good Background, Parents Who Were Too Busy For Their Kids, Parents Who Were Cheaters Or Single Parent. I Had Parents Who Tried Their Best To Educate Me Even Though They Couldn't Communicate Well With Me. I Was Very Young To Realize These Things About Parents And Relationships With Their Children. My Parents Were Very Surprised How Observant I Am For A Child In Kindergarten To 2nd Grade Education. They Were Very Confused How I Would Notice Different Toxic Flaws About My Friends And Their Parents. 

Psychology Testing:

I Used To Go To A Psychologist That Would Make Me Feel So Happy. She Was Like My Best Friend And She Would Always Tell Me How Proud She Was Of Me. She Had A Huge Beanie Baby Collection And I Used To Be Able To Play With Them. I Think That's When I Got The Development Of Collecting. I Mean.. I Do Blame My Parents Too For That Because They Are Collectors.. I Also Lol Blame Princess Ariel For Pisces Mind Of Curiosity. Always Wanting To Collect Everything She Sees And How Happy She Was For Owning It. Going To These Psychology Exams With My Psychologist Was Fun. She Told Me I Could Grow Up To Be Anything I Want And She Believes One Day I Will Bloom. I Believe It... She Really Had A Strong Point Of View With Me. I Recently Was Reviewing My Old Psychology Examinations That They Did To Me In The Age Of 6-8 Years Old. She Was Right.. I Could Be A Lawyer, Scientist, Doctor Or An Artist. I Started Art In Such A Early Age That My Parents Were In Shock With Me. I Really Love Colors And Drawing During Overwhelming Moments. I Would Tune Out When I Felt Depressed Or Anxious In My Early Childhood. I Would Express Myself. I Took Art As Code To Express Things And To Help Me To Explain What I Want To My Parents. I Developed An Artistic Mindset In The Age Of 3-4 Years Old. I've Seen Old Art Drawings Of Mine And I Was Very Surprised By It. I Really Was Able To Draw And Color Very Well.. Shocking.

Chapter 3: I Opened Up More When I Switched Schools:

I Went To Public School That Was Graded A In The County And Also Mixed With Jewish Culture. A Lot Of Rich People Mixed And A Lot Of Struggled Middle Class Children With Parents Who Worked 2-3 Jobs. I Was The Middle Class Child That My Own Classmates Were Confused About. They Didn't Understand How My Parents Had Amazing Cars But I Didn't Have Money To Buy Games, New Toys Or What Came Out In Stores. My Parents Did Give Me Everything I Wanted But Not Always. Money Could Become Tight When It Came To My Parents. 

I Felt Like I Was Happy During My Elementary Times Even Though I Was Bullied. I Made Friends During My School Years In Elementary And I Was Able To Developed A New Self Image. I Was Bullied Once Again For My Speech, Writing, Reading, And My Appearance. I Suffered With Early Development And Had Very Bad Acne. It Was Very Difficult For Me To Express Myself. I Felt Once Again That I Didn't Belong Around Anyone. My Appearance Was A Problem That I Wish I Was Able To Fix When I Was Younger. It Caused Me A Lot Of Self Esteem Issues With Myself. It Was Difficult For Me To Take A Compliment Or Accept Anyone To Like Me. I Would Reject Any Type Of Crush From Someone Because I Believed It Was A Lie. 

I Always Had One Friend And That One Friend Only. But My Friend.. Reminded Me Once Again That I Was A Partner To Them And I Felt Like My Sexuality Was Once Again Being Triggered. She Confused Me With Her Direct Approaches And How She Would Control Me. She Was A Aquarius, The Popular Girl In School And People Were Very Surprised That We Were Friends. The Dark Goth Girl With The Preppy Girl Best Friend.. Always Having Her Attention And Being Popular Of The Class. It Was Difficult For Me To Deal With Her Half Of The Time. Yeah She Was A Nice Person Sometimes And She Taught Me To Speak Portuguese. She Wanted Me To Be Like Her. She Was A Childhood Model With Model Friends While I Was The Outcast In Her Group. I Tried Out For Modeling In A Early Age, And I Did Had The "Walk", The Looks And The Appearances Of Being A Model. But I Didn't Like All The Criticism That They Were Giving Me About My Acne Or How I Had Braces. It Was Bring Back A Lot Of Trauma Of Being Bullied And I Lost My Interest. I Am Glad That I Did Because It Was Getting Too Toxic For My Best Friend At The Time.

I Was An Artist And She Was A Dancer In Elementary. I Was In Advance Art For My 4 Years In Elementary. I Started My Public Elementary School In 2nd Grade. I Was Much More Closer With The Jewish Kids That Were In The Gifted Education. Once Again I Felt Much More At Home With Intelligence. I Would Get Extremely Excited To See Them During Lunch. I Used To Hate Groups Because When A Group Wasn't There.. You're All By Yourself. My Group Was The Gifted Table And They Taught Me That You Don't Judge A Person For Their Intelligence. I Was Accepted By Them Even Though I Was Learning Disable. I Learned Different Cultures, Religion, Different Energies When It Came To My Group Of Friends In Lunch. When I Was In Class.. I Was Stuck With My Best Friend Each Time. She Was Bossy And Wanting Me To Be Her Servant. Oh? I Guess That's When I Developed The Behavior. Heh I Was A People Pleaser And I Always Wanted To Please Her. I Felt Like If I Didn't.. I Would Lose Her As My Friend. It Was Never Enough For Her And She Wanted More. I Did Learn To Have Friends When They Found Out I Had Anger Issues. I Was Forced To Start Anger Management In 3rd Grade. Once Again I Was Getting Into Fights Like I Used To In Catholic School. Sometimes My Anger Would Blank Me Out And I Forget If I Was In Reality. I Got In Trouble And I Was Placed In Anger Management, Got A Counselor And … Learning Disabilities Classes … They Recommended Me To Play Fighting Games To Release Anger. They Recommended Me To Read Stuff That I'm Into Like Manga Or Draw What I Enjoy. I Developed In An Early Age Of Addiction To Anime And Fighting Games. Whoops..

Chapter 4: The Triggers Started Again And Being Made Fun Of Happened. In The Grades Of 3-5 ..

I Got Bullied For Being In A Different Class. Yah I Was Different But I Was Very Smart.. I Just Struggled With Seeing Shit Backwards... I Was With A Group That Were Very Smart With Their Disability Of A Dyslexic, Adhd, And Mostly Anger Issues. I Still Talk To Them But Out Of The 5 Of Them. I Only Speak To The Guys More Than The Girls. The Girls Screwed Me Over A Few Times During My Growth. We Were A Group Of 6..

I Never Really Ate With Them Because I Would Get Excited To Be With My Gifted Group Of Friends. It's The Only Time That I Am Able To Hang Out With Them Because They Were Dealing With A Whole Different Style Of Class Work. They Had To Learn The Torah While Studying Regular Class Stuff In School. They Were Very Advance For Their Age. I Would Get So Confused About The Jewish Culture When I Was Younger. I Would Get Upset When They Would Leave At A Certain Time. Leaving Those Chairs Empty And I Was Once Again Back In Being Alone In Class. Holidays Were Worse Because I Wouldn't See Them For Days.. I Would Get Very Confused And I Wouldn't Understand Why They Disappeared. 

5th To 6th Grade … Hurt Me So Much... All My Gifted Friends Were Jewish.. And They Had To Leave To Go To A Different Jewish School. I Got Rejected Because I Wasn't Fully Jewish And I Couldn't Go With Them. I Had To Learn To Make New Friends Again And It Was Also The Year That My Best Friend Breaks Up With Me As A Friend. I Lost My Group Of Friends In Lunch.. I Had To Find A New Group Of Friends And They Were Also From Gifted Education. They Taught Me About Their Culture Which Was Jamaican And Haitian Culture. They Were Nice With Me And I Learned A Different Type Of Energy.

During The Middle Of The School Year.. I Met A New Friend Who Was Different And She Matched My Energy. She Was A Cancer Sun And She Really Clicked With Me. She Changed My Persona Again And My Life Really Changed With Her. During The Time Of Meeting Her That's When I Started To Learn More About The Internet. We Started To Chat Online And I Would Learn More About Online Chats. I Was Kind Of Curious About It Because I Realized Another Girl ... She's A Libra. She Would Love To Be On Those Online Chats And Stay Up All Night.

We Were Always Gotten Mixed Up And Confused About. Either They Called Her My Name Or I'm Her Name. Quite Annoying To Deal With And I Really Couldn't Stand To Be Compared Or Mixed Up. Learning With The Libra And Cancer Sun Energy How To Change My Personality Around... I Liked The Idea Of Speaking To Other People Over The Internet And Develop A New Persona Again. It Got Me Very Curious And It Taught Me What A Real Gamer Girl Feels Like. I Was Back Into The Hobby Of Playing Games And Being Addicted To Anime Again. Having A Whole Social Event About Anime Stuff Felt Right. I Was Addicted To Dragonballz And Sailor Moon For A Very Long Time Even In The Late Years Of My Adulthood And Still Now.

I Actually Met One Of My First Online Connections Over The Internet. I First Started With An Aquarius And A Leo/Pisces During My Early Years Of 3-6th Grade. I Still Talk To The Leo/Pisces Connection Even Though We Don't Talk As Much Like We Used To. The Connection Is Always There And Like He Has Told Me. "You're Like Family More Than Friends"

Chapter 5: From The Age Of 6th Grade To 8th Grade:

I Was Addicted To Gaming Online With Others And Communicate On The Aol Chats Late At Night. Till This Very Day... I Still Speak To My Dragonballz Group That I've Met Over The Internet. I Love Them All Even Though We Have Grew Up With Different Paths. The Guys Ended Up With Their Families And Funny Enough Are My Ex Boyfriends A May Gemini/Virgo And July Leo/Pisces. My Sagittarius/Pisces Close Friend, She Ended Up Becoming A Workaholic And Studying Just Like Me In The Medical Field And Now Computer Field.

I Started To Learn To Become Bold, Direct And Just Creative. I Learned How To Watch Anime And Be More Into Card Gaming. During Those Times My Father Wanted Me To Start Playing Games Like Final Fantasy. He Would Encourage Me Into Those Games And Watch Egyptian Culture Together. I Started To Develop A Very Strong Goth Imagine That Made Guys Go Crazy For Me. Ever Since I Was Sent Away For A Whole Fucking Month To Ecuador. It Changed Me Big Time... I Was Sent To My Military Uncle And Dealt With A Lot Military Rules. I Was Given A Different Type Of Discipline. It's Fine... I Learned That With $200 You Could Change Yourself. I Learned In A Early Age To Manipulate Because Of My Aunt And Cousins. The Business Way Of Manipulating And Learning To Gain $.

I Dyed My Hair Red Highlights With Black, Cut It Short And Got Multiple Ear Piercings. I Wanted To Show A Different Side Of Me That I Wanted To Express Finally. I Bought New Clothes With Boots. I Started To Dress Very Dark For My Age And I Wanted A New Look. I Was Ready To Be Very Gothic For The First Year Of Middle School. I Wanted To Show That I Can Become "Beautiful" Also With A Unique Look. I Wanted To Look Rare In The Eyes Of Everyone Around Me. I Wanted People To Think I Was Strange But Unique. It Worked Very Well Because I Was Become Desirable. 

Chapter 6: My Middle School Years Of 7-8

Were Very Interesting.. I Learned More About Anime And Express My Knowledge About Role Playing In Person. I Learned To Cosplay, Share Anime Knowledge And Gaming. I Had My Own Anime Group With My Friends During Lunch. Like Always I'm Dealing With A Group Of Guys. Debating About Anime, Games And Giving Each Another Reviews. I Was Able To Learn A Lot About Character Role Player In Person. I Dealt With A Very Nerdy Boss Cancer, A Crazy Expressive Gemini, A Shy But Computer Nerd Geek Of A Pisces And Borderline Personality Disorder Guy Who Was A Taurus. Funny.. I Felt Normal Around Them And I Would Feel Like I Was At Home. They Were Great To Hang Out With, And I Developed A Lot Of Confidence With Them. 

I Had A Triggering Time During My Middle School Years And There Was A Year I Had To Learn ... To Accept Negative Energy. I Was Talked About And People Would Believe It. Ignore Me For Rumors That Weren't True. The Libra And Cancer Girls .. Wanted Everyone To Hate Me. I Don't Know What The Fuck Happened But 75% Of The School Hated Me. I Had To Build Myself With Strength And Deal With A Lot Of Bulling. I Still Had My Group Of Guy Friends And I Was Able To Feel Safe During Lunch Time. I Hated How Triggered I Was And I Had To Develop This Look On My Appearance. That Ice Queen Look That I Wasn't Afraid Of Anyone But Deep Down I Was Suffering Inside. I Truly Hated Going To School But I Had To. That's When I Became Friends With My Best Friend That I Have For The Past 23 Years Now. She's A Aries/Aries/Taurus And She's Has Been With Me For Such A Long Time. I Appreciate Her With All My Heart And She Has Been With Me During Good Times And Bad Times. 

My Year Was Interesting And I Had To Be Alone Once Again With A Small Group Of Friends Until I Met My Two Ex Boyfriends. I Had An Ex Boyfriend That Was Fucking Weird Like Myself Who Came From My Anime Group In Middle School. But I Felt Like I Was The Male In The Relationship With Him. I Was Very Encouraging About His Sexuality And Curiosity. Sometimes I Did Get Confused Why He Was Gaga For Men. It's Fine.. He's My Boyfriend And I Support Him. My Small Group Of Guy Friends Used To Make Fun Of Us. How He Was With The Lesbian Goth Chick Who Wouldn't "Put Out" To Him. .. I Wasn't Sexually Interested Or Curious. I Tried But Eh.. No..

I Met My First Love Before Actually Meeting Him In Person. He Lied Once To Pretend He Was My Gemini/Libra Boyfriend Who Was His Best Friend At The Time. That's When I Developed The Courage Again To Talk Over The Internet. Months Went By Talking To My First Love Without Realizing It Wasn't My Gemini/Libra Boyfriend At The Time LOL. One Day I Said Something From The Night Before And My Gemini/Libra Got Very Confused Until He Laughed Hard. He Goes "Oh Wait I Know Now.." I Was Confused When He Got All Humorous With Me. He Told Me His Best Friend Has Been Pretending To Be Him To Speak To Me. I Go "Huh?" I Got Triggered A Bit And He Explained How He Just Doesn't Know How To Speak To Me. He's Been Using His Best Friend And I Got Mad At Him .. I Ignored Him For Days. Which Made The Other One Super Sad .. Until I Read The Messages And Gave In. I Explained I Know Who You Are And He Wasn't Who He Is.. And That's When I Developed A Strong Friendship Over The Internet Once Again. I Started To Develop A Different Persona To Impress Someone Else That Wasn't Really There. I Didn't Know How He Looked Or Where He Came From. I Just Enjoyed The Connection Over The Internet And The Bond That We Had.

My Anime Group Started To Call Me The Lesbian Vampire.. Or Kitty. Kitty Was Much More Acceptable Than The Other One. I Was Called A Lesbian Because How I Reacted Around Girls And How I Wouldn't Have Sex With My Gemini/Libra Boyfriend. They Would Say That I Was The Man In The Relationship And My Boyfriend Was The Girl. I Taught My Boyfriend How To Use Make Up And Hair Dye. I Guess I Was Supportive? I Mean I Think I Am. But He Got Bullied For It .. To The Point That Kids Would Kick Him, Beat Him With Rolled Up Newspaper Or Just Punch Him In The Nuts. I Had To Always Defend Him And Fight Off His Bullies. I Didn't Want Anyone Hurting Him And I Felt Like I Had To Be His Protector Instead Of His Girlfriend. 

Chapter 7: When I Got Into Highschool:

My Years Were Triggering And I Also Got Bullied. I Was Made Fun Of For Loving Anime And Dressing A Different Way! Even Though I Was Popular To Certain People. I Was Still Made Fun Of By People From Other Schools. My Old Group Of Friends Ended Up Separating Because 1 Of Them Were Forced To Go To Different Schools Not Public(Taurus). 1 Moved Away To Another Country(Pisces). 1 Ended Up Becoming Toxic With His Group Of Friends (Leo) And The Connection Died Out With Me But I Guess My Gemini Ex Was Still Speaking To Them. I'm Not Sure Anymore.. 

I Found My Own Group Finally After Being Invited By My Gemini/Libra Ex Who Has A Strong Addiction To Gaming And Card Games. He Would Work Just To Spend Money On Games And Cards. Going To Card Game Stores To Play And I Started To Learn To Be Addicted To It Also. I Developed The Gamer/Card Collector Girl Personality With Anime Addiction Once Again. I Was With A Whole Group Of People That Had The Same Type Of Hobbies. I Was Invited To The Anime Club Made By A Retired Military Veteran Who Taught Computers. I Learned To Build Computers, Java, Computer Design And Play Games. I Learned About Dungeons And Dragons, Play Shooting Games And Just Express Myself Without Caring Who Thinks What Of Me.

I Was Enjoying My Life Until I Met With Karma... And How My First Love Experienced Ended Up Being A Disaster. It Was My Fault The Whole Time And It Wasn't His Fault At All. I Manipulating Everything Without Realizing How Much I Was Hurting Him. I Was Very Selfish For What I Did To Him. 

No One Understood Why I Was Dating The Gemini/Libra.. Everyone Would Call Him A Loser Or A Freak. No One Understood Why I Was Dealing With Him. "You Just Dont Understand Him Like I Do" Which I Would Say Over And Over. Yeah He Was Weird But I Was Okay With It. He Reminded Me That Being Weird Was Okay And I Shouldn't Care. He Helped Me With My Self Esteem Even Though Sometimes I Didn't Believe Him. I Was The Goth With The Nerdy Gamer Boyfriend. He Would Embarrass Me A Lot With His Humor But You Know What? I Give Him Respect For His Confidence, Determination And Being Himself. He Basically Got Me Into Like Guys With A Sense Of Humor Of Comedian Or Dark Humor. Makes A Lot Of Sense Why People Need To Make Me Laugh.. I Also Tend To Be Interested In Europeans For Some Odd Reason. LOL I Guess Because They Just Don't Care About What Others Think? Maybe? Yes?

Chapter 8: I emotionally cheated:

The Gemini/Libra would lie to me about where he was going. During the time of high school 9th year. I got into an arguments with ex boyfriend who was a Sagittarius sun/moon friend at the time. We got into such a strong argument that I blocked him off my messenger during class. I was so pissed off at him for his immaturity that I needed to block him and not think of him. I was going to unblock him eventually but eh.. it was just a test to see if he would grow up. that's when I finally met him in person and my life changed. 

Funny how the world works... I was so pissed off when I came into the anime club. I didn't want to speak to my current boyfriend at the time. The Gemini/Libra.. I loved his personality for how fucking stupid he can be and be able to make me smile. He always encouraged me to play games, card games and final fantasy with him. He knew how to get me interested with the whole role playing to a different world imagination. That day though I was so mad I sat there in the corner and he asked me "what did i do?" And I looked at him annoyed.. "Oh you didn't..but your best friend did". He laughed walked away and came back with pizzas. "Cheer up" and I just sat there eating when a guy came in and was nervous. I stared interested because why does he look like he's breaking down? Eh? Weirdo... My ex boyfriends were interesting together when I saw them in front of me. one was extremely expressive with no care about what others thinks of him with the crazy black dyed hair and blue eyes(Gemini/Libra) and the other one was very quiet and unsure of life (Sagittarius sun/moon) with the brown hair and green eyes. Of course.. I was more interested in the quiet one. 

I normally dont like to ease drop on others but I was curious. The Sagittarius sun/moon just looked at the gemini nervous and said "Shes pissed at me to the point of blocking me. You're the only one who can speak to her and change her mind". The Gemini laughed so strongly at The Sag and mind you the Sag was being serious. He was older and my ex boyfriend was younger.. "No seriously, I would like her to speak to me" he said stressing out and I got up in front of both of them and I said "What for?" The Sag looked at me very pissed off because he didnt know who I was. "No one is asking you anything" as he looked at me pissed off. I looked at him "Oh yah? Well I guess you do deserve to be blocked by her". He goes "You dont know what happened and it was just a mistake on my part". I looked at him and I go: "What was the mistake?" and He explained "The fact that I shouldnt have made fun of her for her misspelling" ... I got triggered for a moment because it was true and I stayed quiet to think. "Youre forgiven.." and I looked at him. He turned red and looked at me with this shock face and said my name. I nodded and placed my hand out to say "hello." The Gemini at the time.. he laughed so hard. He was afraid that I was going to kick the other one with my boots. 

Oh.. yah.. so I used to wear boots for my fucked up left leg. I can't walk well with flat shoes because I injured my leg during preschool. I limp sometimes or my left leg loses blood circulation. I learned with boots it helps my legs stay straight and I can walk better. I call it the injured paw and how I'm an injured black cat with a limp left leg. I had really strong legs because during early years of elementary. I played as the goalie or defence in soccer. I've kicked The Gemini a few times in the nuts before for .. the stupidity that he would do to me. The flirting he would do .. was not the right thing to do to a girl. Let's just say that.

The Gemini told me "why dont you ask your mom if you can come with us on the school bus. Call her and I can walk you home later.."

I wonder to myself .. was this a very good idea? See .. the reason why I say this is.. before I met this ex boyfriend who's a Gemini. It was a very familiar type energy of what I dealt in my past and future. It was like having a similar pattern happen again? Two best friends.. liking the same girl.. yah.. not good.

(Before Gemini/Libra and Sag/Sag came into my life)

During my early ages of 5th grade to 6th grade.. I was dating a May Gemini/Leo who cheated on me and I ended up dating his best friend who was also a May Gemini/Virgo. I learned that it didn't work well because both of them were not comparable with my mindset. They were SMART and still are.. I know the May Gemini/Virgo is very tech smart and really into the engineering. But that was my first pattern of learning how to have a different persona with those two. They were addicted to Ever Quest, Final Fantasy and wow that we learned to build character personalities. We learned to be different over the internet and in real life. We would pretend to be other energies over the internet and in person we were completely different. 

With my high school years it was with a June gemini/libra and a Nov sag sun/moon that had different education skills and communication skills. My gemini/libra was with me in learning disabilities classes but I was in advance for my age. the sag was in gifted and once again like I've said multiple times. I just love the brain and how people think.. he was a strange one. He wouldn't have so many friends, only a small group, play computer games or games at home by himself. He was quiet, kept to himself, and he wasn't good at expressing himself. I was direct/hyper/social for my age even though I was very selective with the people I spoke to. I put more focus on him than my actual boyfriend at the time. The Gemini/Libra would ditch me to go to the comic book shop and get high with his friends. I didn't know.. During those times I was legit learning more about myself. I spent my days with the sag because we were just close friends at the time. I didn't believe I was his type anyways and I dealt with as a friendship.

I was getting more into the art world once again. I was getting honors classes and I was getting very addicted to games again. I would become depressed because the Gemini/libra didnt want to spend time with me. He rather be with his friends getting comics, and junk food than spend time with me.

I felt alone and I didn't really had friends at the time. I spoke to my online friends while I was depressed. I also realized I was suffering with a new type of mental disorder from past abandonment trauma. One day the gemini/libra didnt come to school, the anime club was lock and some of my friends were somewhere else. "Fuck Im alone" when suddenly I saw the Sag sun/moon by himself doing classwork on the ground eating. "What are you doing?" while I looked at him. "Classwork that's due today" he looked stressed out. "Youre always stressed out, what do you do at night?" and I just sat in front of him very confused. I tend to be very catty ..I act like I have cat like energy and I want to focus on you with this stare of interest. Like a cat looking at their owner type energy. Eh.. I dont know why. He explained to me how hes in gifted classes and sometimes he felt pressured with certain type of homework questions that overwhelms. He suffered with strong anxiety for he has a single mother with bipolar disorder that had a bad divorce. He loves gundams, mobile suit anime, games that were shooting or final fantasy related. He was a very interesting person that I could chat about the unknown without a problem. He bought a side of me that I was afraid of being?

Vulnerability? Ugh no.. I cant.. Whats going on here? I shouldnt be this weak for someone. No. I feel so guarded right now and I'm not sure why this kindness is so scary.. I cant handle this connection and I really don't know what to do. I kept panicking often and kept on closing myself off. He kept trying his best to calm me down and bring back to reality.

I did.

I cheated on the Gemini/libra by going on a date with my Sag sun/moon at my first anime conversation in a very famous hotel. Did i regret it? Yeah I did at first until I was walking up the stairs cosplayed out with my Sag by my side enjoying life. I wasn't even sexually active at the time .. he always treated me like I was gold in his eyes and he always put this type of energy that felt strange to me. I don't get it.. why was I so triggered? Oh right. I was bullied all my early elementary and I had LOW SELF ESTEEM! HA!

I used to cosplay a lot and pretend I was someone else. I had to always wear Green contacts.. why? because it reminded me how much I would fall for guys with green eyes ever since I was little girl in the age of 4. Brown hair with green eyes.. haa... I love the color green in a person's appearance that I wanted to have the same color. It blended well with my face and I felt like a different person. I started to learn to change my personality around with the change color of my eyes. I noticed people that had green eyes were very smart and I wanted to be just like them. 

This was the last time I went to an anime convention until I became 24 years old.

When I walked up the stairs with a cosplay dress on and green contacts.

Coming down stairs was my gemini/libra laughing with a group of guys. One of the guys was his childhood crush.. how fucking triggering.. my boyfriend at the time picked another guy over me again.. I could see it in his damn face how Gaga he was for him. We looked at each another and who we were with. I looked at him pissed off and I walked away. The Gemini/libra didnt care and left me behind while the other was crashing after me. I was angry and I tried my best to calm down. I was told to relax and just forget about it. During those times Kingdom Hearts came out and we were extremely into it. He wasn't feeling well after the panel events and he was starting to become tired. after we were going to many panels at the anime convention. I told him goodbye and separated from him. He was suffering with anxiety but I didn't know what that was when I was younger. I was also very stubborn, self centered and demanding. I sat in the corner of the hotel waiting for my mother while I was depressed about what happened.

For awhile I was seeing the Sag but things got complex for us. We kept getting into fights because I was insecure and overwhelmed by everything. I was just self sabotage the relationship for my insecurities. I was always feeling unhappy and I was just feeling miserable. I felt like if I was able to easily hurt the Gemini/Libra.. I will be able to hurt him too. Why would I want to do that to him? I'm doing him the favor of separating than hurting him with my unstable feelings. I was wrong because doing that made him mentally ill. I should of tried and connect with him. I should of tried for the both of us and trusted him. He was caring, sweet, and he wanted the best for me. He was very supportive and I didn't give him a chance. I used past related experiences with my new one instead of trying out the connection. My old past guilt was lingering into my new relationship. I fucked up.. 

Why is this suddenly.. reminding me of a situation that has currently been happening.. is this a mirror? I feel like this is familiar to something that has recently happened. Is this karma?

Chapter 9: meeting my 1st narcissist

One day came along during 10th grade.. Im sitting there while I said goodbye to my sag sun/moon boyfriend at the time and gemini/libra ex boyfriend.. we were still friends, but I was dating the sag during those times. Yeah I tend to have really good luck being friends with certain exs because we would talk it out and express ourselves. sharing what we did wrong and see if we could try again. we had a strong respect for each another and we tend to be like friends more than lovers. I sat there waiting for my mom when a guy came out of no where being chased. I'm like "..." and he suddenly stops so quickly to look at me and say "hi." Until someone jumps on top of him to punch him ....

*Sighs* Listen.. I dont know what the fuck I saw in this person. He got me, very easily with his tricks. The Aquarius/Gemini.. oh lord.. He was smart for some things but an idiot for school. He was the class clown with a IQ that someone recently told me and remembered. Grade school of 0.003% Gpa... He was never in class and he always wanted to start some crazy idea with everyone. He was popular for having a car and he was the hugest flirt in school. He slept around with multiple girls and during that time he was dating someone. I walked away from the mess because I wasn't in the mood. I was quiet wearing dark clothes and just sitting there trying to avoid the sunlight. Black can really make you sweat.. ya know?

He looked at me "Ohhhh so someone loves romance anime huh?" I got upset quickly "No!".. My mother bought me this bag!" I lied. He knew I lied and he laughed. "Right.. You dont look like the type to listen to your mom with that type of look and necklace" I got really triggered by that because .. I was trying to hide who i truly was with different ways of dressing up. either its black with red, black with blue, black with neon green or black with hot pink. I tried to wear the neons with my boots. I would wear collars without realizing it's sexual. I was still dealing with being not sexuality interested in anyone.

He looked at me and said "what are you doing today?"

Me: "Going home"

He got curious and he goes "Where do you eat lunch? Maybe I can see you there"

Me: I stared at him all confused and bothered. "I eat at room 400"

and he goes "OHHH THE ANIME CLUB! YOU DO LOVE ANIME DONT YOU? GREAT I WILL SEE YOU THERE"..

Listen I dont know why I was interested in the stupidity but I was fucking amused by it. I didnt believe he would appear honestly. I was so wrong for thinking that.. this guy didn't give up. He would appear at my lunch spots, class rooms or where I would wait for my mom in the morning or after school. I was overwhelmed by it and during those times I was having problems with my relationship with my Sag ex. How triggering it is to be stalked by someone who you weren't interested in. He studied me like a fucking book.. He was not only just a "Aquarius" .. He had Gemini Moon and he was really good at grabbing my attention. Super observant.. The charmer. He was so fucking triggering to me that I didnt know how to deal with it. One day my mother couldn't get me and I needed to go home. I was walking to the bus stop when suddenly I was called from far. "Heyyyy.. Want to come with me to my pool with friends?" and I was so dry with this person that I just didnt get it. "Sure but I need to go home early" He said "Sure sure whatever you want" ... I was surrounded by a new group of people that were different than my group of friends in the anime group. Some were interested in music, card games, gaming, or just nerdy. Different set of friends and I started to learn to fake myself even more. I still had the nickname "Kitty" without sharing my nickname.. it just was claimed that way. People would always say "Man you remind me so much of a black cat! I love it"

Once again Kitty was approved as a nickname without me claiming it. 

I was with the wrong group of people.. I started to skip school, not do class work, steal stuff from stores, watch anime, go to the arcades and collect games. I was addicted to Monster Energy drinks that were fucking with my health. I would have a can morning, mid day and after school .. and I could of ended up wit diabetes. Thankfully my doctor found out during blood work and told me to stop. I was very cautious with my health in an early age because I always was worried about death. I was misbehaving and I also got my mind changed around again. I was dating a boy with borderline personality disorder and adhd.. he suffered with a tough childhood of living arrangement of a ex cop military step dad and a mother who was learning to become a lawyer. The household was toxic.. and he had to learn to work instead of going to school. He either have GOOD GRADES or he has to start working to own what he has. He had a car and was an addicted for games.

He wanted to go to the military one day like a Final Fantasy Solider. He was addicted to the whole holding weapons and a personal gun.. He thought he was Dante from Devil May Cry.. but of course we are too young for having guns or heavy weapons. We ended up having bb guns, and swords in a early age because we just knew where to buy these things. He got me into bass guitar, demonic energy games, more into the final fantasy and the connection with fighting games. Oh .. He loved guilty gear, tekken, dragonballz fighting games, and Devil May Cry. If it wasn't any of those things.. he felt like it wasn't enough. He was addicted to hentai and not the soft vanilla type. He gave me so much trauma when I was a kid and I was also manipulated for my vcard. I was depressed when the vcard was taken away from me and I felt off about myself. He told me if I loved him.. I would connected in a different level. God I hate him.. I told my Sag ex about it crying and he was upset with me. He was also upset with the person I was with because he believed I could do better.

Yah.. Him but i was so stubborn and I was craving that stupid fantasy from role playing energy. I was living in such a fake world all my early teens that I didn't realize what true appreciation was. I kept fucking up my chances with a better life style. I only cared about skipping school, going to the beach, going into the movies, and midnight nights of one piece, dragonballz, and other anime classics.

Ugh.. I was always stuck in the fantasy of cosplaying and making up new character personas. I was bipolar and my aquarius ex was borderline, we worked great together and sometimes we didnt. I THINK WE WOULD OF if he wasn't a fucking liar. He cheated on me so much that I would predict it. He got me to become revengeful and I would hurt him each time. Making him cry ...pleased me but me being angry at him.. turned him on. He was addicted to me and he would try his best to manipulate me. During the grade groups of 10th to 12th grade.. I was in such a crazy mess with my relationships. I only dated 2 people for the the past 4 years of my high school life. I took away the vcard of my sag ex during my 10th grade year and I wanted to dedicate my time to him. But i kept suffering with bipolar disorder, anxiety depression, adhd, and ptsd.. I didn't know how to act and express for my speech was awful. that's something that I loved about my sag ex boyfriend.. he always wanted to help me learn how to communicate better and express. He was very supposed of me and how I was in class. He would always try to help me with school and motivate me to go. I was able to get a grant to go to pre college classes of art in high school. In the mornings for 3 of my class periods.. I would go to the graphic design commercial art class and come back to my 3rd period half late. I was the only fucking girl who wasn't a lesbian.. I had a friend who was and she who's now a he was so sweet with me. All the guys in my class hade crushes on me but of course.. I had a crush on the fucking asshole in the class .. A Libra and he was able to manipulated my mindset. I was lucky that we never dated or did anything together. Im so lucky that I snapped out of it. He was just using me mentally for his needs to fuck with my mindset. He would give me the silent treatment or later after class.. to hug me from behind and make me blush in front of everyone. I was just a tool to him and a joke.

When I would come back to my highschool by being dropped off.

I really love science and computers so much.. I would skip my class to go to my sag ex's class to learn about computer science. I would sit in the back, taking notes even though I wasn't in the class. "Gorgeous! Why arent you in class? Why are you here?" The computer science teacher would call me out and I would turn red. "Im here to learn and spend time with my boyfriend" I would blush red but it was mostly to learn computer science. The teacher would allow it only because I was educating not eating shit in class. The students once got extremely mad that I was allowed to skip class to be there and I was forced to take a final exam in front of everyone. The teacher explained "Alright class, We will let her take the exam to prove she pays attention". I was very nervous at the time because I didn't know if I will fail or not. I passed the test and proved I was knowledgeable for Computer Science.

I developed my interest in engineering, science, computer science, computers and gaming in early again. I learned about computer building/repair/hack/code during lunch time and I learned to fix phones or ps2. I wanted to learn more about HTML Coding because I was really good with codes. The computer teacher ended up being my ap science teacher and he was also the class where you go for anime club. He believed that I could do more and I should follow my dreams in science. He helped me get honors art and be in his ap science class. During those years of school.. I was given the support by a creative writing teacher who was Sag and ... He was my first crush for a teacher. I disappointed him when I became older because I dropped out of school. He passed away during 2018 when I was dealing with a lot of heart breaks. When he passed away.. it reminded me how much I cried for my best friend who got hit by a car. I miss her so much.. and I wish I wasn't mad at her. I was made her after I told her how disappointed I was of her. She was actually sleeping with my Aquarius ex and he was manipulating her. When she passed away.. my only request from him was to take me to see her at the funeral. That day.. destroyed me and I cried so much. She was the cancer little sister that i've always wanted but she always called me "Mom". She didn't really have a mom.. her mother was a alcoholic who wouldn't focus on her daughter. She ended up passing away after her father had cancer and died. Jackie.. got hit by a car after a week of her father's passing from cancer. I was so depressed about it.. that I cried strongly at the funeral and the location that she got hit. I was taken by my ex fiance during that time and he was my best friend.. He was very supportive when it came to bring me to places. When I saw the fresh blood on the ground where she got hit. I was depressed for months .. blaming myself for her death because I didn't answer the phone. I remembered how she was asking me to hang out with her and I rejected it. Those loud tears remind me of my tears when I found out that my favorite creative writing teacher who was also my bowling, geometry and the one who taught me about classic rock. I think I don't listen to classical rock because of how much I miss my teacher. My Gemini ex would always make fun of me because I had a crush on a upgraded version of my sag ex. Yah.. okay so he had brown hair and green eyes... so what? I get it.. I have a pattern here.. I had two female teachers who were very support of me writing and expressing myself. I ended up in honors english and I was requested to write small stories. My ap science teacher always supported me for everything I did and was disappointed about who I would date. He didn't accept any boyfriend I had because he would tell me the same thing each time. "You're so smart that you don't need these boys in your life. You will find someone better that understands you for your desires and passion". I was dreaming to become a designer in the arts when I was younger and I really wanted to study science for biology. I wasn't good at math .. and I ended up losing motivation for it. My ap science teacher would recommend me to read books and create a mindset for my creative writing. He introduce me to the fantasy of novels with vampire romance or mystery. Sci-fi, Fantasy like the Lord of the Rings, Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons were a plus in his book. During that time.. I met a libra who entered into my life and he was nothing but a pain in my ass. He was in the way of all my relationships with his clinginess.. and it was so overwhelming. He would tag along with my sag ex and i everywhere we would go. I wanted to kill my sag ex each time with a bunch of yelling but I held my tongue. On and off I was with my sag ex because I didnt know what I wanted. I would deal with my Aquarius ex who would manipulate me and confuse me. While my sag ex would give me kindness and support. I didn't know what I wanted and I was dealing with bad grades in class. Even though I was a C student I just felt like that wasn't enough. Some of my classes were in the the A-B scale but eh. I was dealing with a toxic love triangle and I didn't know how to say No. Well.. sometimes I did because the Aquarius was pissing me the fuck off with his manipulation.

Chapter 10: The Devil (Temptation) Lovers (Emotions):

I Was Dealing With Temptation And Love In The Same Time Because That's Sadly What I Was Born With Under My Birthday.

February 22 1989 (2/22(4)/27(9)=51/6 With The Aura Of 15 With 51 "Remember You Are Always In Control Of Your Destiny"

I Wish I Knew That In Such An Early Age Because I Was So Blind. I Had So Much Lessons In My Early Years That I Always Wondered. 

Maybe I Should Of Shut Off Everyone Around Me And Focus My Career Goals In School. I Wanted To Be A Art Major And I Was Able To Get All The Grants In School. I Wanted To Go To New York City For The Arts And Sadly.. My Dreams Got Crushed Because There Was Never $ For My Goals. My Gemini Ex Would Make This Joke That I Was Like Kagome. Having 2 Boyfriends Each Time And I Would Get Extremely Mad.. Because He Knew Very Well That's Not The Case. Ugh.. But It Was Sadly The Case.

It Taught Me That I Did Had Love But It Was Too Late For Me.. I Was So Addicted To The Fake Emotions Of Love And How You Shouldn't Be Treated. Being Given Gifts, Money, Sex And Food Just To Keep Me. While The Other One Is Giving Me Love Of Affirmation, Expressing His Heart With Music And Being Romantic With Me With Flowers. He Gave Me A White Rose.. That Lasted Me A Month. I Was In Shock .. How Strong The Love Was. Yah.. I Was So Fucking Stupid.. How Triggering Honestly Because I Was So Heart Broken. I Shut My Feelings Off To Everyone But My Sag Ex. I Was So Devoted To Him That I Didn't Want Anyone But Him. I Kept Fucking Up That Mindset Because The Temptation Just Kept Coming In .. More And More.. It Kept Making Me Fuck Up My Chances. I Started To Become "Picky" And I Was Doing Pros And Cons With My Sag Ex. I Was Stupid For That Because I Realized How Much I Was Losing Him. I Treated Everyone Else Like Garbage And I Was So Shut Off From The World. I Kept Stealing Stuff And Trying To Dress A Style Way To Get His Attention.

But Of Course With My Luck.. Everyone Was Impressed Even My Aquarius Ex But My Sag Ex Didn't Care Or Tried Not To. Ugh He Knew How To Get Under My Skin Because Every Single Time He Pretend I Didn't Exist. I Just Wanted To Curse Him Out With So Much Frustration.

I Love How You Try To Get The Attention For Another By Toxic Behavior. You Shouldn't Be Impressing Anyone But Yourself.. But I Was A Kid. My Early Teens Were Just About Self Appearance, Bold Attitudes, Being Direct And Sexual. Eh Sex Sales? I Used Seduction In The Forms Of Winning His Heart. Yah Fucking Toxic I Know. I Love When We Are Young How Revengeful We Can Be When Our Hearts Are Broken. My Sag Ex And Gemini Ex Worked Together To Piss Me Off On Purpose And It Worked. Their Idea Was To Break Me To The Point Of Crying As A Point Of Revenge. Oh Yah.. It Worked Very Well. Good Job Guys! Fuck With My Mind More! My Ex Boyfriends Dressed Up Similar Like Me As A Goth And Ended Up Being The Popular Ones In School. While I Am The Strange One And Called The Psycho.

Oh? I Forgot To Included That They Said I Was The Psycho. I Got Bullied, Judged, And Spread Rumors About Me In School. Very Toxic Behavior That I Am Used To... And I Felt Alone Half Of The Time That I Went To The Wrong Arms. I Went To The Arms Of My 2nd Narcissist And Monster Who Was 2 Years Older.. And If You Don't Know Much About That. Click On The Blog With Scorpio. You Will Understand What I Am Saying Here. It Was A Competition In Who Can Hurt Who The Fastest And Easiest. I Would Purposely Used My Sex Appeal To Fuck With Them. I Would Steal Corsets, Skirts, Fishnets And Make Up To Look Very Gothic With Bleach Hair That Is Either Red, Blue, Jet Black Or Pink. I Would Wear Different Style Collars And I Would Wear Such Gothic Looking Outfits. I Was Winning Each Time But They Kept Getting Smarter. My High School Was All About Knowledge Of Music Bands And Art. The More Rock Music You Knew The More Popular You Got. I Needed A Damn Tool! So I Started Using My Ex Best Friend Who Was A Scorpio Sun For Knowledge And He Taught Me Very Well How To Be Revengeful. There Were Moments I Was Able To Make Certain Guys Cry And Not Give A Damn. What Was Wrong With Me? I Developed A Toxic Personality Trait.. I Was Cold And I Had No Smile.. People Were Afraid To Approach Me And I Was Becoming A Early Alcoholic In Class. I Smoked Cigs To Be Popular And Get Tipsy In Art Class. I Would Skip School To Go To The Library And Study There. I Was Trying To Build My Education In The Arts, Music, Science, History And Astrology. After A Few Months Of Separation .. I Confronted My Sag Ex And Told Him How Much I Missed Him. I Couldn't Take The Revengeful Play Anymore And I Was Become Miserable By Skipping School.

"I Am Failing"..

And We Failed Together Which Was Such A Bad Idea. We Skipped School To Go Home To His Apartment And Hang Out Playing Starwars, Being Intimate And Just Talk About Anime. He Was Addicted To Wow.. And Playing So Much Xbox. Why Wasn't I Happy? I Had Such A Smart Partner Who Never Really Wanted To Skip School And He Was Very Knowledgably About Things. He Had A Passion Even Though Sometimes His Depression Got To Him. He Lived Close By To The Aquarius/Libra And That Was A Bit Stressful For Me. 

Oi.. I Was Dating In And Out An Aquarius/Libra Who Was Crazy About Card Games, Games, Arcades And Role Playing To Switch To A Sagittarius Hermit Who Loved Pc Gaming, And Xbox Online. I Wasn't Sure Who Was Interesting To Go With.. I Kept Juggling Once Again And I Felt Like I Couldn't Be Responsible At All. I Mostly Got Fed Up With The Aquarius/Libra Because He Would Drag Me Along To Card Game Events, Games, And Computer Gaming At Computer Café Leaving Me Behind.

Don't Get Me Wrong.. I Love That Stuff But When You're Addicted Like He Was? He Wouldn't Include Me In The Events And I Hated It. I Felt Like What Was The Point? Shouldn't I Join In Too? I Mean I Used To With My Exs And We Would All Play Together. Why Not Him? It Can Be Overwhelming And Flat Out Toxic. If You Want To Do All Of That.. Don't Have A Girlfriend! There Should Be Room For Some Girlfriend Boyfriend Time.. Which He Never Wanted To Do With Me. It Was Always Friends, Family And Games.. But When It Came To Me. He Just Wanted Me For The Lust And Nothing More. I Was On And Off With Him. While I Was Talking To The The Sag.

My Sag Ex Started Therapy But I Didnt Know The Reason For It Until One Day.. His Mother Yelled At My Mom Saying "My Son Goes To Therapy Because Of Her!" Because Of Me? I Didnt Understand.. Until One Day He Told Me Everything. He Explained That I Never Knew What I Wanted And When Things Got Great. I Just Wanted To Walk Away From It All And Not Continue. "You Never Knew If You Were Happy With Me Or Not." He Explained How Much He Cares So Much For Me That He Thinks He Loves Me Also. He Wanted To Actually Get Married To Me After High School And Have A Family With Me. Have Kids Together And Be In Marriage. The Marriage That He Believed He Could Give To Me. A Stable Marriage With Kids And A Future.. 

I Fucked Up.

I Left Him Because I Was Afraid To Accept Real Love And I Was Afraid That I Would Hurt Him More. I Left Him Behind In The Darkness And I Disappeared For Awhile. He Started To Date Others Girl To Piss Me Off And They Looked Like Me.. Clones Of Me. He Would Purposely Date Girls With Similar Height And Dress Like Me. I Felt Hurt Each Time And I Would Talk The Girls Out Of Dating Him. "Hes Just Using You To Piss Me Off" And I Was Right.. They Told Me That It Was True And They Started To Notice. My Ex Was Being Toxic And He Didn't Realize It Until I Pointed It Out. I Gave Him Another Chance To Fix Himself And It Was Pretty Fucking Pointless. I Was Mad At The Rumors He Made Of Me And I Was Mad About How Much He Wanted To Hurt Me. He Spread Rumors That I Was A Psycho And I Wasn't Mentally Stable. Okay So He Was Right About Mentally Stable But Psycho? I Had A Temper And I Struggled With Depression. I Just Had A Rough Childhood From The Bullying. I Tried To Date Him But We Just Couldnt Do It. 

Chapter 11: Being Selfish Isn't The Answer To Wholeness

Once Again I Got Triggered Because We Went Our Separate Ways And I Started To Get Bored With The Relationships. Dating The Wrong Idiot With The Wrong Personality. I Was Numb And I Was Just Using My Aquarius/Gemini As A Tool. I Wanted To Try To Cover The Pain Up By Using Other Person For My Own Needs. I Ditched My Aquarius/Gemini Ex Boyfriend At A Computer Cafe Because He Was Still Having A Strong Addiction To Gaming. I Couldn't Stand It Anymore And Ran Away Without Him Noticing. I Hid In The Back Of The Bookstore When A Guy Found Me There..

Okay So.. I Noticed A Pattern Right Here. Later On In My Future.. I Had A Pattern Like This And The Guy I Ended Up Running To Had The Same Name As This Person In The Story. He Also Was In The Military Like This Person. The Only Different Is.. This Guy Was An Aries And The Other Guy Is A Cancer/Aries. Is This A Karma? I Needed To Wake Up From?

I Started To Explore A Different Location And Older Age Groups.

I Dated A Aries College Guy Who Was Planning To Go To The Military And Was A Photo Lab Supervisor. He Was Such A Nerd.. Fucking Tall And He Was A Crazy Irish Guy. While I Was Seeing This Guy.. I Was A Senior In High School. He Was In His First Year Of College Doing The Basic Classes Before Having A Career. He Was More Focus To Go To The Military To Earn Money To Bring Back To His Single Mother And Little Brother. He Broke Up With Me Because I Was Younger, Far Away And I Guess Immature? I Believed It Was Mostly Because His Best Friend Who Was A Female Liked Him And Didn't Want Him Dating Someone Else. I Even Told Him That It Might Be That "She Likes You".. I Found Out Later That They Started To Date And That's When I Knew I Was Right. 

I Went Back To The Aquarius/Gemini.. After I Couldn't Speak To My Sag Ex Or Anyone From My Past. The Aquarius Was Trying Really Hard To Win Me Back. He Lied To Me Saying He Was In The Military In Georgia. Yah.. No He Was Dating Someone Else While He Was On Military Training In Georgia. He Got His Dream Come True To Join The Army But.. He Pretend That He Wasn't There For Other Reasons But Military. He Got A Woman Pregnant And .. Karma Got Him For Lying To Me All These Damn Fucking Years. He Lied To Me, Lead Me On, But His Wife Left Him And Cheat On Him. He Ended Up Single, Divorced And Paying Child Support. I Don't Know Much About His Life Now But I Believe He's Struggling Still. Oh Well.. He Wanted To Take Me With Him And He Wanted Me To Be His. "Nope, Never, Wont" And I Hated How Much Of A Stalker He Was.. My Mother Finally Had To Tell Him To Fuck Off Or She Will Call The Cops. He Really Taught Me To Be Afraid Of Drivers And He Would Do These Stupid Suicidal Attempts In The Damn Car. I Fucking Hated That About Him Because One Time I Just Jumped Out Of The Car While It Was Moving. I Had To Run Away And Hide Somewhere. I Always Had To Run Away From Him And I Always Had To Learn To Do The Disappearing Act With Him. I Had To Change My Name Often And How I Looked. I Would Cut My Hair, Dye It And Only Have Character Photos On My Myspace Page. I Was Trying So Hard To Avoid Him.

Tiff Valentine Was My Fake Name For A Few Years Before He Finally Disappeared. 

During My Last Year Of High School .. I Just Felt Numb And Didn't Know What I Wanted. I Hated Being Alone And I Just Needed To Help Myself Stop Feeling This Way.

Can You Tell Me What Is Real?
'Cause I've Lost My Way Again
Can You Tell Me How To Feel?
'Cause I Don't Feel Anything
Now That I'm Down Here Again
I'm Down With The Fallen Again

-Starset Down With Fallen

I Dated A Libra Popular Guy A Hour Away From Me Who Had No Education What So Ever. That Didn't Last And It Was Just Super Annoying. The Guy Was So Sexually Addicted And Only Thought Of Lust. I Couldn't Deal With That Type Of Behavior. I Cut Him Off Even Though For A Few Years .. He Kept Sending Me Emails Of Addiction And Obsession. I Dealt With Another Libra Who Was Obsess With Me And I Had To Learn To Cut Him Off. He Was So .. Attached To Me That It Was Suffocating.

I Shut Off My Emotions For Awhile Until I Went Back To The Monster .. The Scorpio Ex Best Friend Who Was 2 Years Older Than Me... My Life Changed In The Age Of 19 After That And I Disappeared From The World. Even Him.. And I Never Came Back To That Place. I Was Miserable And Hated Myself For What Happened To Me In December. I Felt Traumatized Developing A Strong Case Of Ptsd And I Wished I Had My Sag Ex Back In My Life. With All The Self Sabotage I Did.. It Was Difficult To Get His Attention From Him Or For Him To Take Me Seriously. I Felt Numb.. I Couldn't Reach My Ex And I Couldn't Tell Anyone About What Happened. I Was In A Dark Place And I Didn't Know How To Feel Anymore. I Felt Like I Lost My Soul And It Was Ripped Away From Me. I Didn't Know How Trust And I Felt Like My Life Was One Big Joke. I Had A Ex Scorpio/Leo Best Friend Who Taught Me Everything That I Needed To Know. How To Communicate, Defend Myself, Protect Myself, Manipulate, Be Revengeful, Knowledgeable, Observant And Just Act Like A Scorpio. He Knew What He Was Doing And He Was Creating His Future Girlfriend. Oh.. Let Me Say Something.. This Guy Wanted Me To Marry Him Without Me Realizing. I Didn't Know That He Saw That In Me And How He Wanted More With Me. I Guess I Was Wrong That One Night And It Changed My Mindset Around For The Worse. I Suffered With Ptsd, Bipolar, Anxiety Depression And I Shut The World Off While Going To School. No One Understood What Happened To Me And Why I Was Acting So Cold. I Felt Like Everything Didn't Make Sense To Me Anymore And I Felt Nude. I Started To Cover Myself More And Stop Wearing Dresses Or Skirts. I Always Kept Myself Covered And I Would Be Very Jumpy With People. I Didn't Know What Was Kindness For Awhile Because I Was Tricked, Manipulated And Taken Advantage By Someone Who I Truly Thought Was My Protector. He Was Like Family To Me.. I Saw Him Like A Older Brother And Instead He Ruined That For Himself. He Destroyed A Connection For His Own Selfish Needs And Jealously. He Hated How Much I Was Devoted To My Sag Ex Even Though It Was His Best Friend Who He Was Talking Shit About. "What's So Important About Him? He's Not Here And He Doesn't Want To Speak To You" .. Yah He's Right "But He Wasn't Like You. It Isn't The Same" And I Kept Telling Him That. I Guess I Was Building A Charge Of Revenge In Him Without Me Realizing. He Was Very Prideful And He Was Bold/Direct. He Was The Bully In School And Everyone Was Afraid Of Him. No One Understood Why He Was My Close Friend And During Those Times. I Didn't Know Either.. He Was My Exs Gemini/Libra And Sag Sun/Moon Bully And I Would Always Try To Stop Him For Hurting Them. Until We All Ended Up As Friends And Out Of The 3 Of Them. I Only Dated 2 And That's Something The Scorpio/Leo Hated. I Wouldn't Pick Him Over The Others And It's Because I Didn't Trust Him. He Was So Demanding, Judgement, And Obsessive .. He Would Always Try To Grab My Attention For Being A Guy Who's 6'1 And European. He Thought I Was Into The Whole Muscular Strong Masculine Dom Energy When I Was Into The Soft Feminine Masculine Mixed Male With A Soft Heart. I Just .. Didn't Care And He Hated That About Me. He Was A Monster And He Just Didn't Get What Type Of Person He Was. He Didn't Understand Why Women Didn't Want To Be Around Him. I Found Out He Sexually Assaulted So Many Girls In My High School That None Had The Courage To Speak Up About It. No Worries.. We Got Our Justice Because Now He's Suffering With All That He Deserves. I Don't Feel Bad And I Feel Like I Got My Closure.

My Life Was Difficult And Being Friends With People Was A Big Issue. I Also Learned More About Manipulators When It Came To Friendships With Women. I Was Hanging Out With A New Best Friend Who Is An Aquarius. She Was Bold And Direct.. With A Very Expressive Personality. She Triggered Me At Times With Her Manipulation And She Hurt My Feelings By Using Me To Lie To Her Parents. She Knows Very Well That She Hurt Me In The Past. We Were Able To Talk It Out Later On In The Future. But I Was Hurt For A Few Years After She Disappeared On Me. I Am Still Communicating With Her Now But It Too Awhile For Me To Forgive. She's Very Smart And The Only Reason Why I Stick Around, Dealing With Her Bullshit. Because, She Bought Something Out Of Me That I Was Missing. Boldness, Not Allowing Anyone Talk Shit About Me And Being Direct Again. She Woke Up That Energy In Me Again And It Taught Me To Be Strong. It Took Me Awhile To Finally Share What Happened To Me. She Was Also .. Best Friends With A Guy.. That I Had Feelings Since I Was In 2nd Grade Till I Got Crushed.

Yah.. Unlock Story Here... I Had A Crush On A Boy That I Didn't Have The Courage To Speak To. I Liked Him Each Time I Reconnected In Summer School. I Wouldn't Speak To Him But I Had A Crush On Him. He's Tall.. Like I Think Now He's 6'2? He's A Virgo/Libra And He Was A Gamer/Musician. He Was Extremely Expressive And Didn't Care How Wild He Was. He Was Very Confusing Honestly Because I Knew He Liked Me When We Hit Middle School Together. He Would Call Me All The Time, Hang Out With In Class Or During Lunch Sometimes. I Would Get Red And I Had Such A Huge Crush On Him. People Just Knew How Vulnerable I Would Get In Middle School. "No.. Stop It.. I Can't Be Weak Here And I Can't Show Anyone I Am Soft". I Tried To Be Cold And Bitchy When It Came To Guys In Middle School. They Would Joke Around Calling Me The Ice Queen. But When It Came To This Guy.. I Would Become Soft And Sweet.. I Gave Him A Letter Telling Him How I Had A Crush On Him And I Thought Maybe We Should Go Out? Yah.. That Didn't Go Well For Me. He Ignored Me All The Way Till High School. I Didn't Know What I Did Wrong And I Was Very Confused. We Wouldn't Communicate And Every Single Time He Would Bump Into Me With My Best Friend Who's An Aquarius. Him And I Would Blush, Not Look At Each Another And Pretend We Weren't Standing In Front Of Each Another. I Don't Get Why? But I Hated It. 

My Best Friend Was Always Busy With Her Little Crazy Journeys And We Were In Different Paths. She's In College Being Wild, Working And Just Acting Up. While I Am Struggling With School And Trying To Get A Grip With Life. 

3/17/2008 (3/9/10:22/4) I Had A New Beginning As The Masculine Emperor And I Dated Someone Younger Than Me That Taught Me To Be Very Selective In Who I Speak To. My First Tattoo Is A Clover Because Not Only It Reminds Me Of The Important Family Members Named Patrick. But It Also Is A Reminder To Be Very Careful Who You Date. The Capricorn And I Dated On St.Patricks Day And He Ruined That Holiday For Me. Now I Consider St.Patricks Day A Holy Day Of Respect. I Don't Get Drunk Or Act Stupid On That Holiday Like I Used To. The Clover Is A Reminder That I Am Very Lucky For All The Things I Dealt With. All The Reminders That I Avoided And Tried To Escape From. Even Though I Have Open Wounds That Linger.. I Was Still Was Able To Grow And Be Strong About Things.

Hm.. I Was Wrong 

I Started To Date Capricorn/Leo, Someone Who Was 3 Years Younger Than Me.

Oh Yah.. I Fucked Up Because Remember How I Failed School? Yah Well.. Wee.. I Started To Date Someone Who Was Young And Introduced Me To Weed. I Would Go To Class High Off My Ass But Was In Ap Science, Art And English While Having Regular History, Math And Health Class. I Was Rebellious And I Didnt Care Much For School. I Would Skip School To Go Smoke Weed And Do School Work In The Library. Oh Yah.. I Love Reading And Getting High. Weed Taught Me To Be Able To Read Faster And Remember Things Easier. I Was Able To Develop A Faster Way Of Studying And How To Find Different Tricks To Remember. I Thought I Was In A Happy Relationship With The Capricorn. He Was Very Smart For His Age, He Was In Gifted And Was In Certain Classes That Were Pre-College Classes For Credit. I Was The Dumb One With Learning Disability Classes With A Few Ap Classes. I Always Felt Embarrassed With Him But He Told Me Not To Be. I Was Smart In His Eyes And I Am Very Good At The Things I Do Because Even Though I Was Skipping School. I Was Able To Change Classes And Get Into The Ap/Honor Classes During The Middle Of The Year.

.. I Was Still Doing My Class Work. I Was Also Dealing With Depression Because My Friends All Left School To Graduate To Go To College. I Was Still Left Behind And Embarrassed With Myself. I Would Lie To My Friends About Being In All Gifted Classes. Yah I Had Ap But It Wasn't Enough To My Friends .. I Needed To Impress My Intelligence To My Higher Level Friends. I Thought I Was In Such A Happy State Too Even Though I Developed Anxiety Also. I Became Friends With A Girl Who Was A Leo And I Showed A Different Side Of Me. I Was A Gentleman To Her Until She Broke My Heart.

I Ended Up Getting My Heart Broken Twice That Year.

My Ex Boyfriend Who Was 3 Years Young Was Capricorn And He Was Planning To Hurt Me. He Wanted To Set Revenge On Me Because In His Defense. I Knew His Ex Cheated On Him. Honestly? I Really Didn't Know Until Later On And I Told Him About It. When I Found Out Finally My Best Friend Cheated On Him .. I Quickly Told Him Randomly Without A Fuck That I Might Lose My Friend Who Was His Ex Girlfriend. When I Told Him.. We Became Close Friends And It Turned Into A Relationship. I Thought He Had Feelings For Me But Nope He Was Planning To Give Me Revenge. He Cheated On Me During My Relationship With Him And I Was Very Loyal To Him.

I Felt Heart Broken And Upset That I Wasn't Good Enough To Share Myself To Anyone. He Cheated On Me With A Girl That I Predicted And They Are Still Together Till This Very Day. I Broke His Phone And Left That Relationship With Painful Memories. I Didn't Look Back Or Try To Do Anything About It. 

Chapter 12: Numbing Yourself With Drugs/Lust Isn't The Answer To Wholeness 

My Early College Years: I Finally Graduated From High School With Grades Of 90 To 85% By Dropping Out Of My Regular High School And Going To A Special Program For Drop Outs. No I Didn't Get My GED .. I Went To Credit Classes That I Needed For Graduation. I Really Wanted To Go To College And Get Myself Into The Career I Truly Wanted.

Once Again I Felt Numb Because I Just Didn't Trust Anyone. I Did Had A Best Friend Who Was Always There For Me. He Was A Capricorn/Aries But He Had His Own Secrets. I Didn't Know Much About Them And I Think He Was Protecting Me? He Dealt With Such A Obsessive, Controlling, Ex Girlfriend Who Was A Scorpio. We Would Always Get Into Fights With Each Another And I Would Always Scare Her Off In High School. She Was Afraid Of Me And Wouldn't Confront Of Me. I Found Out Later On That My Ex Boyfriend Would Tell Her. "If You Touch Her, I Will Break Up With You" And Yeah.. I Don't Know What I Saw In Him And Why I Dated Him. Maybe? I Just Wanted To Feel Loved? And Taken Care Of.

(Realizing This Now.. It Reminds Of Me Of My Recent Relationship With My Ex Fiance And His Toxic Girlfriend That Reminds Me Of The Capricorn/Aries And The Scorpio Ex Girlfriend Of His. What A Fucking Karma Pattern Of Bullshit. This Taught Me To Build Strength Within Myself And Learn That No Matter What. You Could Be The Toxic One But I Am Always Going To Be Better.)

He Showed Me Two Sides Of Himself And I Felt Like He Suffered With A Condition. He Didn't Want To Get Mental Help Because He Believed He Didn't Need It. Oh.. He Needed It Big Time. I Started Doing Heavy Drugs With My New Boyfriend .. He Was The Popular Guy Of High School. He Was Jewish With A Very Confusing Mental Disorder.. I Believe And I Think He Had Borderline Personality Disorder And Borderline Depression... He Would Do Heavy Drugs To Act Normal But When He Was Sober.. He Felt Like He Was Miserable. He Would Always Tell Me Over And Over How Unhappy He Is. I Would Get So Confused About It And It Would Trigger Me. I Felt Like I Was Looking Into The Mirror Hearing Myself. Going Into The Looking Glass And Seeing Things That Weren't Real At The Time. Predicting Stuff During Toxic Times Of Drugs. The Energy Of Feeling "Unhappy" Would Reminded Me So Much About How I Used To Be Like That To My Sag Ex.. I Was Suffering With Mental Issues And Being Suicidal. I Had To Take My First Anti Depressants That Didn't Work On Me. I Got Addicted To Drinking Again, Weed, And Strong Sleeping Pills Or Caffeine Related Pills. My Capricorn Ex Wasn't Supportive In Anything I Did. He Emotionally Physically And Mentally Abused With Heavy Manipulation And Drugs. He Mentally Destroyed Me Head To Toe. Made Me Feel Insecure And He Took Advantage Of Me. Funny He Knew Very Well.. That I Was Suffering With A Lot Of Ptsd Issues. I Dropped Out Of College Because I Wasn't "Good Enough For College" Supposedly To My Dad. Even Though My Grades Were In A High Level Of 900%-85% For Classes That Were Easy To Pass. I Wanted To Go To The Arts University In My Town But I Had To Go To Basic College Classes First. My Father Picked To Help My Irresponsible Older Brother Instead Of His Daughter Who Wanted To Go To School.. I Felt Like I Wasn't Enough Or Smart.. I Focused On Starting To Work And Build Myself Up By Getting My First Job.

I Was Educating Myself To Become Jewish And I Was Working For My First Job. I Was So Proud Of Finally Having A New Job And Getting My First Bank Account. I Would Get Excited For My Paychecks.. My Money Sadly Would Go To His Addictions Instead Of My Happiness. I Was Miserable And I Didn't Know Why I Was Still Stuck With My 4th Narcissist. I Guess I Was Afraid To Be Alone And I Guess I Thought I Was Doing The Right Things. I Dated This Person For 4 Years And He Always Sold Everything That Was Mine For His Addictions. I Would Work Little Pay To Get My Money Taken Away From Me. I Would Make Over $175 To 200...And Was Left Over With $50-25 Bucks Left On My Name. I Was Going To College While He Was Cheating On Me In The Beginning Before I Dropped Out. I Was Learning The Torah While He Was Cheating On Me. The Whole Time I Was Being Loyal And He Was Cheating On Me. I Was Even Though I Was Blessed By A Rabi Because I Was Born Left Handed, I Was Able To Read The Torah Without An Issue Because I Was Dyslexic And How I Was Allergic To The "Shellfish". What A "Blessing" It Was For The Jewish Culture. How Smart I Was For Being Able To Read Yiddish. I Was Able To Understand Certain Words To Defend Myself. I Don't Get How? When I Never Been Taught That But I Was Told "It Could Be From Your Past Roots In Your Blood".. Who Knows? I Love How Life Works.. Ya Know? You're So Used To The Toxic Energy That You Don't Realize What You're Doing Wrong. I'm Glad I Was Able To Snap Out Of It And Save Myself. I Escaped That Garbage Of A Relationship. What Saved Me Was My Friend Who Was A Leo Who Was The Best Friend Of My Ex Capricorn/Aries. He Told Me One Day "Dont Look For Him Anymore And I Want You To Focus On Yourself". He Said In A Very Strong Angry Way Because He Saw Something That I Didn't Understand. I Remember When It Was My Birthday And I Wanted To Celebrate. I Wanted To Do Something New.. Go Out For Once. My Ex Never Wanted To Go Out And Do Something With Me. It Was Either Him Or Nothing More. His Ex Best Friends At The Time Would Say "Lets Ditch Him And Go Celebrate".. His Friends Treated Me Like Gold. I Celebrated The Night With Such A Fun Advantage And I Didn't Forget How Happy I Was.. While My Ex Was In The Background Hating Every Little Moment Of It. 

Before Dating My 4th Narcissist:

My Sag Sun/Moon First Love And I Were Seeing Each Another And We Thought The Love Was Still There.. But That One Night When We Became Intimate. I Started To Cry Because I Felt Nothing And At The Time. It Wasn't His Fault.. I Just Felt Ashamed Because I Remember How I Told Him About What Happened To Me When I Was 19. During That Time.. We Were Still Dealing With Our Issues And Trying To Connect With Each Another. He Didn't Believe Me And He Was So Revengeful In High School. I Guess My Heart Was Still So Broken That I Wasn't Able To Reconnect My Soul Back To It. I Felt Hurt And I Felt Ashamed About It. That's When He Decided To Give Me Up And Tell Me To Date Someone Else That Might Make Me Happy. He Told Me To Go To The Capricorn Thinking It Will Solve Things. We Were Both Wrong Because I Ended Up In A Very Abusive Relationship For 4 Years. I Could Of Gotten A Second Chance To Get Married And Have A Family. Yah.. I Fucked It Up Or Did I? We Both Agreed Later On In The Future That We Both Fucked Up The Chance For A Second New Beginning With Each Another In Marriage. During This Whole Time My Sag Ex Was Doing Therapy For 22 Years Since 2022. For The Amount Of Traumas That He Dealt With And I Was One Of His Traumas. I Believe I Was Doing Him A Favor By Not Being With Me. I Wasn't Grown And I Feel Like I Would Of Destroyed That Marriage. I Was Right And I'm Glad I Saved Him From Me. I Care Too Much For Him To Destroy His Mindset Even More. I Wouldn't Be Able To Live With Myself Honestly. We Were Able To Forgive Each Another Multiple Times Even Though The Forgiving Has Been Approved Years Back. We Were Very Close With Each Another For Many Years Until We Picked To Go Our Separate Ways In 2022.Its Interesting Because He Was Always Close By.. He Either Lived 10 Mins From For Awhile When We Were In Our Early Teens. He Ended Up For Awhile 45 Mins Away From Home But We Didn't Really Talk For Awhile. When I Started Working As A Manager In My Own Location.. I Bumped Into Him In The Streets Confused. I Found Out He Was Close By The Area And I Was Actually Pregnant At The Time. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant But I Was Embarrassed For How Fat I Was. He Looked Great And I Looked Like A Fucking Mess. I Was A Manager And Part Time Security Guard At A Clothing Store. While He Looked Like He Was Happy With Life And Going To School For His BD In Computer Science. I Was So Proud Of Him That I Thought He Was Happy. He Was Hiding Behind A Mask Just To Tell Me That He Was Doing Great Like I Was.. I Was Lying About My Life Even Though I Was Living A Lie. I Think No Matter What.. Our Connection Will Always Be There For Each Another. Just Because We Don't Communicate Doesn't Mean It's Dead. We Always Try To Speak .. Well I Try To. I Remember Sometimes He Would Message Me But Now Since He's Happy, Working For IT And Has A Girlfriend. I Think I Could Say.. I'm Happy To Let Him Go And He Can Live A Better Life Without Me. If I Remember Clearly He Got His Education In Computer Science As A Bachelors Degree. I'm Happy For Him. He Taught Me It Was Never Too Late To Study And Get Your Degree. He Really Was Very Supportive Of Him And I Respect Him So Much. I Wanted To Meet Someone In My Life That Was Like Him. Even Though He Wasn't Good At Expressing His Heart To Me. He Knew How To Be Supportive And That Was The Love Language That I Need And Deserve In My Life. I Need A Partner Who Sees Me As Strength, Creative, Bold And Determine. I Need A Partner Who Believes That I Can Be Strong Enough To Be His Partner. He Believed In Me And I Know He Still Does. Even Though We Don't Speak With Each Another. I Always Remembered How Proud He Was For Me. I Hope And I Believe One Day I Will Have This Type Of Feeling In My Life Again And I Was Right.. I Did See It But Right Now.. Life Is Pause Until I Continue To Grow Up And Learn On My Own During This Lonely Journey. My Time Will Come And I Believe It. "May Is Always A New Beginning" For I Was Created In Mid-May.

Learning Karmic Lessons:

After Finally Escaping That Relationship Of The Capricorn  And Learning To Have Some Common Sense.

Sorta.. I Kept Meeting Test Along The Way Of My Journey.

My Psychic Abilities Were Developing But Kept Getting Blocked By My Traumas. I Suffered From Very Strong Ptsd That I Was Afraid Of Men For Awhile. I Kept Having Dreams Of My Sag Ex And Appearing When He Was Thinking About Me. Or I Would Predict How To Avoid The Scorpio/Leo Who Was Stalking Me.. And Working Around The Areas. I've Seen Him At A Coffee Shop Once And Quickly Came Back Out To The Parking Lot.. Throwing Up Because I Couldn't Believe He Worked Around The Area. I Felt Miserable That I Didn't Go Into That Location For 2-3 Years With The Fear Of Seeing Him Again. I Felt Overwhelmed And I Had To Keep Hiding For Awhile. I Felt Like I Couldnt Walk Around My Neighborhood In Peace. 

I Got Manipulated Once Again By An Aries.. He Was Very Smart And He Was A Teacher For Astronomy. Wow.... Astronomy Teacher Was So Attractive. My Self Esteem Has Always Been Low And When I Date Someone With A High Iq. I Feel Like I'm Smart Enough To Be Their Partner. Well.. He Manipulated Me Very Well And He Hurt Me. He Used Me, Lied To Me And Cheated On Me. I Left Him After What He Did After His Birthday With Me. Once Again I Was Triggered And Dealing With Depression. I Felt Used And I Felt Disgusted About Myself. I Became An Alcoholic And I Started To Drink A Lot. I Was Depressed And My Ex Best Friend Who's A Gemini Would Always Try To Cheer Me Up. We Would Meet Up To Drink Together, Eat Junk Food And Have Casual Sex In The Car. I Was Emotionally Unstable And Sad. I Didn't Know What Else To Do And I Felt Like I Was Using Him. I Would Friendzone Him And Explain "I'm Sorry.. You're Just Too Young For Me". He Wasn't .. I Was Just Emotionally Unstable That I Knew I Would Be A Handful For Him. I Was Also Afraid Of Kindness Once Again Because I'm So Used To Toxic People. I Was Very Protective Of Him Because He Reminded Me Of My First Love And How Much The Kindness Of That Energy Was Very Rare. I Appreciated The Energy And What Type Of Energy Was Given To Me. Even Though I Always Had A Problem Showing My Feelings Sober.. But Easily When I Was Drunk. I Started To Once Again Develop A Habit Of Drinking Just To Be Honest With Others And Be Able To Communicate In Social Interactions With People. I Was Faking Myself To Others To Pretend I Was Strong When Deep Down I Was Feeling Disgusted Of Myself. I Feel Unclean And I Just Didn't Feel Okay Inside. Similar To The Energy Of The Scorpio During The Age Of 19. 

Chapter 13: Learning To Be Devoted To Someone Who Wasn't Worth My Energy. 

I Was Drinking Way Too Strongly And I Hung Out With A Friend Of Mine Who Was A Leo. She Introduced Me To Her Boyfriend Who Was A Sagittarius/Aries. He Was A Interesting Guy Of 6'1.. But A Good Manipulator. He Was Able To Get Me To Be Interested In Him With His Personality Traits And Impressing Me With Things. He Would Take Me Out To Drink Often And Party Hard At Night. I Would Come Back Home Drunk Around 3am To Get Ready For Work At 7am. Once Again I Was Becoming An Alcoholic With A Strong Anger Issue. I Think I Was Struggling With High Levels Of Bipolar Disorder. I Started To Learn How To Fix Cars, Learn More About Certain Models, Learn About Car Parts Like Anatomy In The Human Body And How To Work Auto Mechanics As A Hobby With Him. I Always Believed That You Should Bond With Your Partner To Balance The Relationship But I Always Realized. I Would Always Try To Learn Stuff That They Enjoy But Never Did They Want To Learn What I Enjoy. It Was Always One Sided But I Learned A Lot About Auto Repair And Stuff To Defend Myself For The Future.

I Was Cleaning Bathrooms And Setting Up Tables For 80 Clients As An Assistant Manager. I Felt More Like A Slave.. My Boss Wouldn't Help Me With Anything And I Would Be Tipsy Working. I Felt Miserable And Once Again I Was Smoking Cigarettes. I Felt Fucking Miserable And I Didn't Know What To Do With My Life. I Started To Date The Sagittarius Who Had An Addiction For Cars And Racing. He Was A Hot Head Who Had A Probation Fee On Him. He Would Cheat On Me Even Though I Was Helping Him Pay $200 A Month For Probation Fees. I Love How You Try To Be A Good Person To Someone And They Just Use You. I Got Mistreated And I Kept Predicting Him Cheating On Me. I Finally Broke It Off With Him After I Predicted He Was Married To His Best Friend. Something Didn't Feel Right And I Knew Something Was Off. He Kept Acting Like I Was The Bad Guy When The Whole Time.. It Was Him And He Was Toxic One. When I Was In Ecuador.. I Dealt With A Demonic Energy That I Had To Cleanse Out Of My Uncle's Home. During That Time.. I Was So Angry Because The Guy That I Was Dating Was Cheating. I Kept Predicting It And Telling My Ex Best Friend Gemini About It Because I Just Felt Something Off. When I Came Back From Ecuador And Felt The Energy Shifted. I Was Right.. And I Broke Up The Relationship. He Finally Openly Admit To Me That He Was Married To Help His Friend To Get Her Green Card. He Asked If I Would Wait For Him And I Told Him "No" I Followed My Intuition And Closed That Chapter Of My Life. I Deserve Respect Not Being Betrayed By Someone Who Was Using Me For My Kindness.

(Which Is Actually A Karma Pattern That I Just Ended Recently With My Ex Who's A Cancer/Aries/Sag.. He Used Me For My Kindness And I Would Always Try My Best To Help Him With Business Predictions For New Careers. I Was Able To Tell Him When To Buy Stocks, Find The Right Path In Jobs Or How To Make Money With My Visions. He Used Me For My Kindness When It Came To Money. I Cut That Energy Off For Good And I Didn't Allow That To Come Back.)

Chapter 14: Finally Accepting Kindness In The Arms Of Love And Support.

Once Again I Was Emotionally Unstable And Just Wanting To Be Happy. I Started To Spend Time With My Ex Best Friend Gemini In His Room Watching Him Play Wow Or Destiny.

Oi.. Another Gamer.. Is This A Pattern? Maybe.. Maybe It Just Makes Me Feel Safe And Relaxed. I Always Feel Like It's Good To Play Games And Meditate For Awhile. I Felt Like This Energy Was Nice And Good To Hang Around With. 

But He Loves Cars And Racing Also. Well I'm Really Knowledgeable With Both And I Started To Give In To The World Ever Since I Was Younger. I Guess That's How I Am Able To Amuse Others.

• I Love Anime
• I Love Fighting Games
• I Love MMORPG
• I Love Cosplay
• I Love Roleplaying
• I Love Car Repair Knowledge
• I Love Computers
• I Love Education
• I Love Music
• I Love Art

My Ex Gemini Best Friend And I Could Speak About Anything. Make Fun Of Things, Watch Tv Together Without An Issue, Get High And Eat Junk Food. I Could Sleep Next To Him With No Sexual Intimacy. He Was My Best Friend That I Truly Care For And Always Wanted To Protect Him. He's 3 Years Younger Than Me But Whatever He's Amazing. Gifted With A High Iq And Extremely Smart For It And Computer Tech Support. He's So Smart... I Kept Telling Myself Over And Over. He Graduated With A Bachelors Degree In Business. He Can Fix Cars, Computers ... Anything. He's Extremely Smart For His Age And I'm So Proud Of Him. I Always Am.. I Cared So Much About Him That I Developed Feelings. I Once Laughed With Him Drunk Getting Out Of A Restaurant Near By For Nacho Monday. I Told Him "Hey .. If We End Up Being 40 And Single. Lets Get Married" But Of Course.. He Picked Games Over Me And I Got Bored Of It. He Just Isn't Good At Expressing Himself Or Having The Courage To Confront To It. He Reminded Me So Much Of My First Love Who Was The Sag That I Didn't Get Why I Cared So Much About Him. "AM I DUMB?" Nope. It's Because He Didn't Know How To Express His Feelings. It Isnt My Fault That He Wasn't Able To Express Himself. Both Of These Energies Deal With Mothers With Bipolar Disorder Like Myself. It's Pretty Normal Sadly For Them To Feel Confused In How To Speak Or Express. It Isn't Their Fault For Not Being Able To Know How To Speak Correct Or Express As A Love Language. They Show It Differently With Support, Materialistic Items Or Just Spending Time Together. That's .. Healthy. Because We Can't Always Be Stuck To Our Partner. Sometimes We Need Space And We Need To Allow Them To Breath. We Need Let Them Do Their Own Things Like Game, Spend Time With Friends Or Just Be Alone. It Isn't Your Fault If They Don't Spend Time With You 24/7. Sometimes They Need To Focus On Their Career, School, Mental Health, Family Or Just Who They Are As A Person. 

He Snapped When I Dated Someone Who Was Wrong For Me Again Because I Was Emotionally Unstable With Ptsd And Anxiety Depression.. My Bipolar Disorder Was Somewhat Tamable With The Anti Depression Pills That I Was Taking. I Started To Date Someone Who Was A Manipulator.. Another Capricorn And Man.. He Was Fucking Toxic. He Used Me And Lied To Me. I Became Heart Broken When I Saw Him At The Party Two Days Before My Birthday. He Was There Getting High And Drunk While I'm Looking At Him Depressed.

"Remember Don't Eat All Of It Even If You're Hungry" My Gemini Best Friend Legit Warned Me About The Edible In My Hand And Did I Listen? No.. I Was So Upset And So Stubborn.. Of Course Alice Likes To Be The Stubborn One Eating The "Eat Me" Cookie. I Ate The Second Piece Of The Edible And I Felt So Upset That Day. I Was Standing In The Corner Trying Not To Move. I Was Having A Panic Attack And I Didn't Know What To Do. I Felt Lost And Sad About Being Lied To And Used. Once Again I Was Being Used As A Tool And Not Respected. I Hate How You Try To Be Nice To People And They Just Use You. I Was Struggling To Keep Myself Calm When My Gemini Best Friend Grabs Me. Walks Me Down To The Car And Puts Me In His Car To Sit Down. Is This Kindness? Is This What A Person Who Cares About You.. Does?

He Explained To Me That We Are Going To His Apartment. I Said "But My Mom" And He Goes "Don't Worry I Messaged Her Pretending I Was You". He Lied Saying I Was At My Girl Friends House Who Is Also My Best Friend And He Told My Best Friend Who's An Aries What Was Happening. I Was Heading Back When I Was Panicking Asking For 911. He Calmed Me Down By Stopping In The Middle Of The Highway And Told Me Everything Was Going To Be Okay. I Fainted That Night.. And Didn't Remember Anything.. I Blacked Out And Woke Up The Next Day In His Room. I Was Okay And Safe.. But Why Do I Always Black Out? I've Blacked Out A Few Times In My Life In Front Of Men. I Wouldn't Remember Anything And I Would Panic. He Told Me Everything And I Was Confused. 

(Now Just Reading This Over.. I Blacked Out Because The Person Who Was My Ex Best Friend Who's A Scorpio. When He Did What He Did.. I Blacked Out A Lot Of My Moments Of That One Horrible Night. That.. I Started To Develop A Ptsd Of Tuning Out Things That Seem Similar To Me And I Learned That Was A Defense For Me.. When That Wasn't A Good Idea For The Mindset. I Finally Learned To Stop Doing That And I Was Emotionally Better In Handling Things)

He's Being Nice To Me Even Though I Dated Someone Else For Awhile That He Warned Me About. He Explained That He Isn't Mad At Me For That And How He Understood How He Was Being Stupid For Playing Too Much Games. We Spoke About Everything And Expressed Our Feelings. Slowly After We Started To See Each Another As A Friends With Benefits. But .. My Feelings Developed And Things Were Different Between Us. It Felt Very Romantic For Once And I Thought To Myself Is This Kindness? I Wasn't Sure Because It's Been Awhile.. I Was Afraid And Troubled About My Feelings. I Was Worried That I Was Going To Hurt Him And I Wasn't Good Enough For Him. He's Smarter When It Came To Education And I Felt Like I Wasn't. I've Been Always Protecting Him That I Thought Maybe I Should Give Him A Chance? Maybe I Should Really Try To Accept Real Kindness In A Relationship. I Wanted To See What A Healthy Relationship Could Be? But Of Course We Both Fucked Up The Relationship Because I Was His 2nd Girlfriend And I Was Dealing With Ptsd Bipolar Disorder And Anxiety Depression In The Relationship. 

Chapter 15:Not All Happy Beginnings End Up Forever .. You Need To Believe Fantasy Isn't Realty.

My 5th Narcissist, My Failed Engagement And Connection I Truly Cherish. The Combo Of Spiritual Lessons:

This Combo Actually Taught Me Why I Respect Myself, Understand Myself, Fixed Myself And Try To Be A Better Person For Who Ever Ends Up Being My Partner In The Future. This Combo Was A Lesson Of Growth, Spiritual Connections, And Also A Karmic Link That I Needed To Destroy Inside My Path. The Cancer Was All The Life Lessons That I Never Fixed About Myself. The Gemini Was To Balance My Spiritual And Work Related Life. And Lately The Scorpio Taught Me The True Kindness Of A Healthy Relationship With Someone. He Also Taught Me To Love Myself, Respect Myself And Grow The Fuck Up. "Thank You Scorpio"

During The Years Of 2014-2015 I Was Going Through A Lot Of Mental Issues Of Ptsd. I Panicked At My Ex Gemini/Aries/Scorpio Fiancés Big Birthday Bash That I Made. Yah I Made A $500 Party Without Paying For Anything. Everyone Loved Me And My Ex. We Were The Couple That Everyone Just Loved To Be Around With. My Ex Gemini Best Friend Became My Ex Fiancé For 5 Years. We Had Our Ups And Downs During The Relationship But I Believe Even Though We Were Toxic With Each Another. We Learned From It And Grow From It. I Learned That Day About True Kindness And Support From Him, His Friends And My Small Closed Friends Group. I Had A Panic Attack That Was So Strong That I Was In The Bathroom Crying For Help. I Was Suicidal And I Couldn't Handle Myself. I Had A Small Group Of Friends Holding Me, Relaxing Me And Keeping Me Calm. My Ex Fiance Showed Me The Kindness That I Hadn't Seen In Years. I Was Finally .. Happy And I Was Able To Understand That This Was The Right Path For Me. I Gave Him My Trust, Myself And The Connection To Believe That I Will Have A Better Future. Was This The Right Path? I Believe It Was Because I Needed To Learn My True Self And Who I Am. I Needed To Break Out All The Karmic Links Out Of Me And Reborn Myself Again. Not Only Did He Teach Me To Become A Better Me But Other Connections In The Relationship. I Ended Up With Really Close Friends That I Still Communicate With And I Also Lost Friends Along The Way. It Is What It Is.. And The People Who Stick By You Through Thick And Thin Are The Ones You Keep. Those Friends Who Understood That I Needed My Space And I Needed To Distant Myself. They Understood That I Wasn't Doing It On Purpose. I Just Needed Time For Myself To Rebuild Before Reconnecting Back With Them During 2022-2023. Friends Who Understand That Sometimes You Need To Close The Door For A Moment And Fix Yourself. Are The Friends That You Cherish And Keep Forever In Your Life. I Closed The Door So Many Times On My Friends During My Depression That They Understood That "Shes Just Going Through Her Issues And She Will Come Back". They Are Right Because I Always Came Back Like A Little Black Cat Out In The Wild. I Needed To Travel For A Little Bit To Grow Up And Learn About Things. I Appeared Back Like Nothing And They Welcomed Me Back Home. The One Who Didn't.. I Accepted It Even Though It Breaks My Part For It Was My Fault For Not Explaining Myself. But Sometimes .. Do We Really Need To Explain Ourselves? Yes.. Sometimes We Do Depending On The Person But.. If You Understand Them After So Many Years. Just Saying "Hey, How Are You? I Miss You" Is Enough.. And That's Something I Learned Through Out This Journey. The Scorpio That Came Into My Life Really Taught Me A Lot About Myself And I Was Right. "You Remind Me So Much Of Me" And He Does. He Makes Me Smile Because I Know That He's Going To Shine And Become The Best Version Of Himself. I Believe That He's Going To Out Shine Everyone And No One Is Going To Know Who He Is.. For He Is Going To Be A Different Person And You Know What? I Am Going To Always Be Proud Of Him. He's Going To Grow, Transform And Repair Himself From All The Pain That He Dealt With. He's Going To Become Magical And Spiritual. Like Naruto Always Says "Believe It!" And You Know What? I Do.. And That's Something I Believe In Myself Also. 

When It Comes To My Ex Fiance.. Im Kind Of Disappointed But I Feel Like It's Not Too Let For Him. I Know He's Still Doing Some Changes And He's Going To Realize. "You Were Right And I Should Of Listened"... I Remember When I Said That To Him. I Think? I Mean.. I Know I Did But From What I've Been Hearing. He's Been Toxic And I've Been Growing. I've Been Complimented Recently About How Matured I'm Getting. While My Ex Fiancé Is All ... Revengeful And Speaking In Away That Doesn't Sound Like Him. It's Very Disappointing To See In The Distance How Your Ex Partner Is Being. It's Very Embarrassing At Times. I Actually Spoke Up About The Things That I Heard From My Friends. How He Would Back Talk About Me, Speak Negative Of Me, And How He Really Didn't Believe In Me. Funny.. The Whole Time I Spoke Positive Of Him Even Though We Had Horrible Flaws In The Relationship. It's Fine Because That Shows I Am Growing And Learning. I Know What's Wrong And Wrong Now.

During 2015-2019... I Was Dealing With A Lot Of Confusion In My Relationship With My Ex Gemini Fiancé Because .. I Was Being Brain Washed By A Narcissist Who Was A Cancer/Aries/Sag. Once Again I Destroyed A Heart Without Realizing I Fucked Up. Once Again I Punish Myself For The Disappointments That I've Created. It's My Fault .. Even Though I Was Told .. "It's Not Your Fault Because You Were Lied To And Manipulated.".. My First And Second Love Was Right.. They Were Right.. And I Didn't Realize It. Why? Because I Got Charmed So Hard And I Never Met Someone Like Him (Cancer). I Never Met Someone That Had The Combo That I Truly Wanted. Oh.. Right.. He's The Devil. He Reminded Me Of All The Other Men That I Dealt With And He Was That Combo Of All (Karma). The Only Difference Is.. He Was Clean From Drugs, A Hard Working, An Ex Solider From The Airforce And He Was Educated. He Was A Manager And He Wanted To Keep Showing He Can Do Better For His Family. He Was Odd For His Personality But He Was Good At Manipulating Me. I Remember So Many People Who Tell Me The Same Sentence Over And Over Again. "I Don't Think I Trust Him For You" And I Was So Stubborn Because "I've Been Heart Broken Too Many Times And I Just Can't".

Hi?! How Are You? Have I Introduced Myself To You? Have We Met? Welcome To My Story Of Nightmares. It's So Overwhelming, Isn't It? How Am I Able To Handle Things So Calmly Now? How Am I Able To Still Be Able To Connect With Other Without Panicking? Because In Life You Shouldn't Live In Fear With Your Traumas. You Need To Trust And Be Positive That Maybe It Isn't The Same.

Let's Share...

He Was A Cancer/Aries/Sagittarius.. And He Knew How To Charm Me. He Is A Gamer, A Ex Air Force Solider, He Works For Automatic Repair And He's Intelligent. He Has A Lot Of Knowledge For History And Certain Government Things Mixed With Criminal Justice. He Wanted To Be A Cop But From His Injury.. He Got Rejected A Lot. He Suffers With Ptsd Narcissist Behaviors And He's Manipulative. He Was Able To Mentally Fuck With Me During My Engagement While He Was Married. He Would Stalk Me In Work, Try To Bump Into Me While I Was Taking Breaks And Try To Impress Me. I Didn't Know He Was Married Until I Finally Found Out From Others. He Didn't Wear His Wedding Ring At All. Heh.. Smart And I Was Dealing With Confusion On What's Real Or Not While I Was Dating My Ex Fiance. We Weren't Really Balanced Out Because The Honeymoon Stage Died For Awhile. I Would Go To Work Irritated And Just Hating Myself. I Would Drink At Work While The Cancer Started At Me. He Once Caught Me Pouring Jack Daniel's Into My Coke Bottle. "You Drink A Lot" He Said. "And?! Who Are You?" And I Just Stared At Him. I Was Cold With Him And I Didn't Understand Why He Would Turn Red With Me. He's German Cuban.. With Green Eyes And Brown Hair. Fuck.. He Loves Final Fantasy, Old Arcade Games, Shooting Games, Military, Sports, And Anime. I Would Always See Him Exhausted At Work Because He Was Gaming All Night... He Loves Dark Souls, Fall Out, And Old Sonic Games. "Exhausted Again?" I Would Look At Him Sometimes With These Confusing Faces. He Would Follow Me Around Like A Lost Puppy. Everyone Could Tell That He Liked Me A Lot. My Boss Would Try To Separate Us. My Team Would Question Us.. And I Was Just Confused. I Found Out That He Had A Crush On Me Later On. His Ex Wife Didn't Approve Of Our Friendship And I Didn't Understand. She's Right..She Was Right To Keep Him On A Leash. I Didn't Know.. I Was In A Scorpio/Cancer/Pisces Combo During My 5 Years. When He Left.. There Was Rumors That I Was Sleeping With Him When I Never Once Did. I Felt Bullied And I Was Dealing With The Hold "What A Slut" Energy. I Don't Get It Because.. I Wasn't Seeing Him.. He Was My Best Friend At The Time.. From What I Thought.. I Was Wrong..

I Thought I Was Doing The Right Things By Telling My Ex Fiancé Everything That Was Happening. He Was My Best Friend Before My Partner And I Always Wanted To Be Loyal To Him. Our Romance Together Kept On Being Dull And Our Connection Felt Wishy Washy. I Kept Trying To Save The Relationship But If There Wasn't A Connection To Build. Our Relationship Will Continue To Break Down. I Didn't Know How To React During Those Times And I Was Dealing With A Lot Of Emotional Confusion.

During That Time I Met A Scorpio Between All Of This..I Met Him From The Same Libra That Was Irritating Me In My Early Years Of High School. That's The Only Thing That The Libra Gave Me Good In My Fucking Life. The Scorpio/Aquarius/Virgo Was The Only One Who Made Me Feel Normal And Comfortable. He Was Different, Kind And Understanding Of Me. He Liked The Same Things That I Enjoy From Fighting Games, Mmorpg, Anime And Other Things That We Had So Much In Common. Him And I Were Very Similar And I Just Loved Being Around Him. I Was Fascinated By Him.. He Was Amazing.. Why Didn't I Date Him? Why Didn't I Left My Ex For Him? 

Of Course.. I Was Engaged At The Time And Also Was Dealing With A Confusing Love Triangle. I Didn't Want To Have The Scorpio Involved With My Toxic Behaviors Mostly Put Myself In A Square. I Was Protecting Him From My Toxic Behaviors Because I Wouldn't Want To Hurt Him. He Means A Lot To Me And For Me To Hurt Him Would Destroy Me. He Means A Lot To Me And The Kindness He Gave Me.. And Gives Me.. It Felt Like He Deserves My Heart And My Real Emotions. I Never Once Lied To Him, And I Was Very Loyal Even Though I Lied About Certain Problems In My Life. I Didn't Want Him To Think I Was Toxic And Honestly? I Was And I Hate That About Myself. When I Was With The Scorpio.. I Was A Different Person And I Wanted To Be Devoted But I Had These Chains That I Didn't Break Off (The Devil). I Was An Idiot And I Thought I Was Doing The Right Things. Fuck.. Am I Seriously This Stupid? Or Maybe It Wasn't The Right Time? Maybe I Needed To Learn Something Here? I Didn't Want To Fuck Up This Connection Or Ruin What We Had Together. When I Say And Express How Much I Care For This Scorpio.. It's Like Something I Truly Cherish And I Wouldn't Ever Want To Destroy. He Means The World To Me Because He's Me. He's The Me That I Always Wanted To Be And He's The One That I Believe Could End Up Growing To Become. He's Someone That Is Misunderstood, Used For His Kindness And He's Fucking Smart! Man.. He's Great! I Know He Doesn't Believe That But He's Fucking Amazing Head To Toe. He's Very Attractive, He's Very Smart, He's Creative, He's Funny, He Has A Good Taste In Different Categories And His Personality Reminds Me Of Me. He's My Mirror Soul And I Love My Mirror. I Appreciate And Embrace That Mirror. He's The Mirror That I Protect, Cherish And Adore. He's The Only Gift That Was Given To Me That I Never Want To Lose. He's Something That I Would Like To Keep Forever In My Life. He's Something That I Will Never Want To Close The Door On. My Door Is Open For Him, With The Lights Completely On With A "Welcome" Sign For Him. He's Something That I Could Just Smile And Be Proud Of. I Hope One Day He Understands How Much He Means To Me. I Don't Regret Anything That I Share Or Write Right Now.. For I Am Expressing From The Heart, Mind And Soul. He Has Shown A Different Side Of Me That I Needed To Wake Up. I Am Now Transformed Into The Better Me That I Believe Will Show Everyone In 20 Years That "Holy Fuck? Who Are You?" I Am Ready.. 

During 2018 .. I Was Dealing With A Tough Turn Of Events. I Dealt With Emotional Confusion, Cheating, Disloyalty, Judgement And Backstabbing. There Was No Saving This Engagement Anymore And It Was Starting To Turn Sour. When I Got Caught Cheating .. I Promised To Change Myself And Help Fix The Relationship. I Put My Effort And Try My Best To Do Better. I Never Told Anyone About It. But It Takes Two To Work If Not.. It Fails. He Didn't Bother To Try And Even Though I Told Him So Many Times .. He Continued With The Gaming Addiction. I Would Sleep Alone At Night, Taking My Anti Depression Pills To A High Dose And Work Doubles Just To Numb Myself. I Was Going Back Into Being An Alcoholic. I Used To Hang Out With The Scorpio Because He Was The Only One That Made Me Feel Safe. His Kindness Made Me Feel Better. And I Didn't Need Medication To Be Around Him. I Was Able To Be Myself Without Judgement And I Felt Like I Was Able To Be Who I Truly Was. I Quit So Many Years Of Anime And Gaming That When I Was Around Him. I Felt Like My Childhood Was Back And I Love That About Him. He Brings Out My Inner Childhood And My Old Self Again. When I Am Around Him, I Am Able To Transform Myself And Not Be Afraid. He Really Means A Lot To Me Because He Doesn't Show Me A Toxic Side. He Shows Me A Wholeness And I Feel At Home With Him. Every Single Time I Left Him To Go Home. I Feel Fucking Miserable And I Start Missing Him Even More. My Love Triangle With The Cancer And Gemini Went For Years Until 2018... That Shit Was Horrible. I Lost My Kid On April 29 And On April 30th I Started To Have The Pains In My Body Shutting Down From The Abortion Shot. I Remember 2 Nights Before That I Was Spending Time With The Scorpio At The Party. He Knew Something Felt Off About Me And I Remember Being Close To Him. He Was So Kind Even Though He Was Focus In Pouring Drinks To People At The Party. He Really Was Showing His Support With Me And It Was The Type Of Kindness That I Always Wanted.

Right Now I Am Very Triggered.. I'm Feeling Those Pains Right Now And I'm Just Like Why? Eh It's Fine. I'm Okay But Seriously? Today? Of All Days? Why Am I Feeling This Body Pain That Reminds Me Of That Day.

On May 1st I Had To Go Back Into The Hospital For An Emergency Pelvic Infection. I Could Of Died At Home If I Didn't Go To The Er. They Had To Put Me On Iv And Give Me Treatments. I Was In The Hospital During The Whole Week Of Star Wars. I Felt Miserable On The Bed And Just Laughing To Myself. My Gemini/Aries/Scorpio Ex Fiancé Was Actually Going To Leave Me There. I Thought To Myself I Love How .. The Scorpio Came Running To Find Me In The Hospital And See If I Was Okay On April 29th. While I Have An Ex Fiancé Who Rather Leave To Go Home?! Seriously? Is This What I Deserve? You Could Tell What Real Loving Loyalty Looks Like By Looking At The Scorpio. Someone Who Runs To See You With A Worry On Their Face And Wishing They Can Do Anything For You. While You Have Another Who Feels Emotionless And Doesn't Know What To Say. I Will Never Forget That Day And I Will Never Forget The Worries In His Eyes(Scorpio). Looking At That Scorpio Who Cares So Much About Me And Worrying What's Going On. Truly Showed Me What Love Is For Other Person. I Didn't Die That Day.. I Was Okay.. I Was Able To Live From A Bad Ectopic Pregnancy. I Was A Blessing To The Doctors Because I Didn't Need To Go Into Surgery Or My Tube Didn't Get Destroyed. "You're Extremely Lucky For The Test Results"... I Was.

Oh Yah So.. I Thought Bleeding For A Whole Month Was Normal Because I Was Changing Birth Control Pills. *Laughs* "Nope No .. I Should Of Reported That" When I Would Say That In My Head Multiple Times. I Got A Ultra Sound Before The Party. They Found Something In Me That They Didn't Want To Report. I Thought It Was A Cyst And I Didn't Put Any Attention To It. Yah I Was Wrong.

"It's Funny How I Am Able To Survive Instead Of Dying. I Guess I Never Going To Die Early" I Said That With No Care Because I Was Fed Up With My Life. My Ex Fiancé Was Pissed At Me And Couldn't Believe It. I Told Him How I Had To Beg Him To Be Here With Me When I'm His Partner. I Was Basically Saying How I Wish This Doesnt Happened To Me Again. I Hope It Isn't During Football Session Or He'd Probably Won't Be Here During Our Child Being Born. He Told Me That I Was Overthinking And Over Exaggerating. Yah No.. He Was Addicted To Sports Also.. He Was More Addicted To Sports, Gaming Than Me. I Felt Like Everything Had To Be Scheduled To Be Around Me Or Deal With Me. I Dealt With So Much Mental Issues That Dealing With This Relationship Made Me Miserable. During The Time I Was Released From The Hospital.. I Wasn't Myself. (Developed A Strong Ptsd And I Also Noticed Now From Reading This. I Was Dealing With Patterns Of A Old Relationship That I Ditched)

Things Went Dark For Me And I Had To Learn How To Build Myself Up Again. I Was Traumatized In The Shower Because When I Close My Eyes. I Feel Everything Dark Around Me But My Body Feels Like I Have An Iv Wired To My Right Hand. I Start To Panic In The Shower And I Get Worried That I'm Going To Faint. I Would Cry For Days In Silence.. It Took Me Over 2-3 Years To Finally Be Okay To Close My Eyes In The Shower And Remind Myself I Don't Have A Iv Sticking Out Of My Right Hand. It Was Intense For Me Because It Reminded Me How I Would Shower In The Hospital By Myself. I Wouldn't Let No One Touch Me... Because I Was So Broken And I Wanted To Prove That I Was Strong To Handle Anything. I Was In Pain While Holding The Stick With Me At All Times. I Would Go To The Bathroom By Myself, Shower Or Walk Around. The Nurses Were Afraid And Worried About Me. "I Was Fine.. I Don't Need Anyone".. I Was Wrong.. I Did But I Felt So Broken That I Was A Wounded Warrior.

My Ex Wouldn't Sleep By My Side Or Be Around Me So Much. He Would Stay On The Computer For Hours Playing Games Than Spend Time With Me. It Was Over Between Us.. The Energy Was Dying.. The Connection Was Dying. I Was Dying .. Our Sleep Schedule Was Him Coming Back Into The Room At 3am.. While I Had To Go To Work At 7am. I Wouldn't See Him Much Because I Was Still Trying To Work. I Felt Miserable And Drinking Again. I Found Out Later After We Broke Up That He Was Coping With The Lost Of The Kid, Me Almost Dying And Our Relationship Breaking. He Didn't Know How To Tell Me Because He Felt It Was Too Late To Save The Relationship. Maybe He Was Wrong? Who Knows.. The Cancer Ex Had His Moment To Shine And To Impress Me. I Explained To Him What Happened To Me And I Also Express Myself To The Scorpio Friend Of Mine. Both Were Surprised And Worried For Me. I Explained I Was Okay But The Cancer Manipulated Me And The Scorpio Was Worried For Me. Fuck.. What Was I Doing Here? .. Why Did I Give In? What Is Wrong With Me.. The Scorpio Was Expressing His Feelings While The Cancer Was Seducing Me. I Always Tend To Make These Mistakes Because I Am Vulnerable To The Wrong Energies.

On May 29,2018 (5/11/11:27:8/17) The Star And Strength. (Which Actually Is The Same Calculations Of April 29,2018 And May 1,2018. I Had 3 The Star Card Energies During This Lesson Of Karma)

My Life Turned Around And I Made The Mistake Of Ruining My Engagement Again. I Got Manipulated And Played With.. He Showed Me A Fake Kindness That Felt Real To Me. He Told Me All These Years That I Was "The One" And How He Wished He Could Be With Me. I Would Remind Him Each Time.. "Why Did You Tell Me To Wait For You To Divorce? If You're Always Going To Be Married To Her" He Really Just Wanted Me To Be His Side Piece Instead Of His Partner. I Was Stupid And I Always Picked The Wrong Connections.

What Was I Doing? Why Am I Here? I Kept Thinking To Myself How Much Of A Fuck Up I Was. I Couldn't Maturity Handle A Pregnancy Now I Am Fucking My Engagement For This? Is It Worth It? No.. It Wasn't .. But Maybe I Needed To Learn A Lesson In Growth And Deal With This Karmic Link Energy. The Cancer Finally Got What He Always Wanted .. Me. I Picked Him Over My Ex Fiancé Gemini And The Scorpio. Because I Was Emotionally Unstable And I Was Confused What I Wanted. I Ruined My Engagement For This New Relationship That Was A Lie. I Destroyed My Engagement And I Wanted To Protect The Scorpio From Me. I Was Disappointed In My Self And I Wanted To Let Him Go. I Didn't Want Him To Be Stuck In This Messy Triangle Love Connection. I Needed To Save Him From My Messed Up Heart And I Hated Myself For What I Did To My Ex Fiance Who Was My Best Friend. I Wouldn't Want To Hurt This Scorpio With The Toxic Personality That Hid From Him. When I Was Around Him.. He Showed Me A Different Side Of Me And I Showed My Love To Him. He Means So Much To Me That I Wouldnt Or Ever Show That Toxic Trait Of Myself. I Promised And I Promised Myself I Would Never Hurt Him Ever. I Wanted To Be Different To Him And I Wanted To Show Him That He Meant The World To Me. I Broke Him And He Turned Cold.. And It Was My Fault. But I Want Him To Know That I Was Protecting Him From A Heart Break That I Knew I Might Of Done. Mostly That I Was Stuck In This Trap Of Confusion.. And If I Had That Around Me.. I Would Of Lost That Scorpio Forever And Thinking About It Now. I Am Glad I Was Protective Of Him Because I Think I Would Of Hated Myself. If I Hurt Him With The Type Of Person I Used To Be. Now That I Am Different After I Promised Myself For Years To Show Him The Love That I Truly Feel For Him And How Much I Appreciate Him. I Was Able To Show That For A Small Amount Of Time And It Showed Him That I Do Truly Appreciate Him, Respect Him, And How Much I Care For Him. I Kept My Promise Over The 5 Years Of Him Coming In And Out Of Our Lives.

Chapter 16:I Transformed: I Believe .. The Numerology, Our Birth Chart And The Tarot Cards That Are Marked On Our Birthdays. Makes Us Grow And Transform To Better Versions Of Yourself. I Believe That If Picked The Path Of The Scorpio Instead Of The Cancer. I Wouldn't Have Grown To The Energy That I Am Transforming Now. I Needed To Break Down The Walls Of Myself To Become The Person I Am Today. I Went Through A Lot Of Mental And Emotional Abuse With This Cancer Sign. He Fucked With My Head And Made Me Think More Deep Into Things. I Knew Being With This Person Was A Bad Idea. I Left My Family, Friends, Connections Behind For Him And I Suffered A Whole Year Of Random Events. He Ruined My Engagement And He Made Me Look Like The Bad Guy. He Betrayed Me By Telling His Ex Wife About The Cheating And He Didn't Prepare Me To Tell My Ex. He Did It All By Acting Like It Was My Fault.. But My Ex Fiance Knew Very Well It Wasn't. His Ex Wife Even Knew It Wasn't All My Fault. It Was HIM! He Didn't Let Me Take My Medication, He Didn't Believe I Needed Therapy Or Let Me Smoke Weed. He Guilt Tripped Me When I Got My Medical Card Even Though He Agreed For Me To Make An Appointment. He Purposely Got Me Fat To Make Me Look Out Of Shape To Others. He Would Make Me Feel Bad About Myself For My Mental Health Issues. I Was Suffering With Stress That Was Attacking My Bladder, Heart And Mind. I Was Going Through Multiple Break Ups With Him And Was Being Judged For Every Little Thing I Say. I Wasn't Able To Be Myself Around Him And He Made Me Feel Like I Wasn't Worth It. He Made Me Feel Like I Was Hidden In The Shadows And A Secret. He Didn't Want To Announce We Were In Relationship. Only Selective People Knew We Were Dating. He Told Me That He Wanted To Marry Me, Have Kids And Have A House Together. Why Did I Feel That I Was Being Lied To? The Whole Time I Was Cancelling The Wedding In My Engagement With My Ex Fiancé Because Of Him .. It Was Because The Cancer Kept On Tricking Me. I'm Glad I Didn't Put This Scorpio Into This Mess Because I Was Emotionally Unstable. The Cancer Kept Breaking Up With Me So Many Times. I Finally Snapped And Just Wanted To Go Back Home. I Remember It Was April 2021 When I Got Into An Argument With The Scorpio. I Got Fucking Triggered By A Sentence That He Wrote About How No One Is There For Him. I Got Super Mad And I Told Him That I've Always Was There For Him. I Always Showed My Support And I Always Showed I Cared. I Defended Him When The Libra Spoke Lies About Him. I Defended Him When He Was Dealing With Emotional Mental Health Issues. I Wanted Him To Understand That He Was My Friend No Matter What And I Was So Angry That Day. My Cancer Ex Was Looking At Me With This "Wtf" Type Face But I Didn't Care.. I Really Didnt Because The Scorpio Meant More To Me Than This Person In Front Of Me. 

I Came Back To My House In May 2021 With Lack Of Connections. I Felt Alone And I Was Sad.. I Was Predicting So Much During My Relationship With The Cancer And After. I Started To Become Clairvoyant? And I Was Able To Predict Like Him. The Cancer Would Bring Out The Dark Side Of Me More Then The Light Side. He Would Bring Out This Type Of Anger That I Couldn't Stand. 

Chapter 17: One More Life Lesson Before I Can Complete Myself For A New Form Of Balance.

My 6th Narcissist:
Being Alone Isn't Fun And Losing Friends Is The Worse. I Felt Alone And Out Of Place. A Lot Of My Friends Weren't My Friends Anymore. A Lot Of My Friends Took Time To Be My Friend Again. I Had To Reconnect With Friends And Try My Best To Keep Them. I Traveled From Time To Time To Relax. I Cut Off Friendships That Weren't Worth My Time Anymore. I Lose Connections That Made Me Sad. When I Am Heart Broken.. I Punish Everyone Around Me And Disconnect From The World. I Would Ruin Connections Because I Wasn't Myself. I Felt Numb And A Different Person. I Wouldn't Be Able To Connect With Anyone. I Wanted To Shut Out The World And Do Inner Work On Myself. When The Cancer Broke Up With Me.. A Month Before I Went To The Bookstore, I Blanked Out And Bought $80 Worth Of Books. He Bought Me My First Tarot Deck After So Many Years. It Was 4th Tarot Deck And I Thought Why Not Get Myself An Oracle Deck For My Collection. I Bought Some Books That I Didn't Understand. I Also Bought A Book That Explains About Pisces And Cancer. He Would Encourage Me But He Was Also Afraid Of My Psychic Talents. I Was Sitting On The Ground 3 Days Before I Got Dumped. I Had Cards On The Ground And I Was Confused. He Asked Me "Whats Up?" I Looked At My Cards And I Go "Nothing Really But I Know We Are Doing Okay! But I Didn't Like How The Card Was Reversed When I Was Shuffling!" Uh.. Yah.. I Didn't Know How To Read Tarot Well And I Was A Beginner Still. 

The Sun Card Was In Reverse, 3 Of Cups Was In Reverse And Wheel Of Fortune Was Upside.

There Was Third Party In The Relationship, My Happiness Was Dead And The Wheel Of Fortune Is Coming My Way. Yep.. I Was Back In My Hometown, Single And Heart Broken. I Was Also Very Confused How I Was Becoming More Psychic. I Started To Have Dreams About The Cancer And His Feelings For Me. They Were Super Toxic. He Was The Emperor/Death Card.. He Was My Transformation To Become Spiritual.

I Got Manipulated By A Man Who Was A Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer Who Had Such A Smart Way Of Communicating. He Was Intelligent For History, Science, Religion, Metaphysics And The Unknown. He Taught Me To Open Up More To Astrology Life And My Psychic Abilities. I Actually Did A Channel Reading On Him That Supposedly Made Him Emotional. My Close Friend Told Me That He Was In Emotional Tears For What I Said Out Loud. The Gemini Wanted To Know About Me And Asked My Friend For My Permission To Speak. I Thought To Myself Why Not? I Mean.. He Is My Friend's Friend? I Thought Think It Wouldnt Be An Issue. 

I Was Given My First Runes By Him, The Knowledge Of Other World Energies, Learn About Norse And Witchy Education. His Energy Reminded Me Of The Scorpio That Disappeared. But I Didn't Have The Courage To Talk About Until It Finally Slipped Twice. It Slipped During August And Slipped During October. I Would Tell Him "You Remind Me So Much Of A Friend Of Mine. Just The Way You Speak About Yourself." I Didn't Want To Make The Guy Feel Jealous But The Way I Expressed Myself Really Showed How Much I Missed The Scorpio. The Guy I Was Speaking To Was Religious Supposedly .. He Goes To Church. He Suffered With Emotional Issues Of Heavy Anxiety Depression With Ptsd And He .. Suffered With Narcissist Characteristics. He Reminded Me Of My Gemini Ex Fiancé, My Close Friend Scorpio And Cancer Narcissitic Ex. He Was Really Good At Manipulating And Victimizing Himself With Things. (Cancer Triggers) He Was Very Supportive But Sometimes I Would Get Mad At Him. He Would Do The Disappearing Act And Wouldn't Speak To Me For Days.(Scorpio Triggers) "What Is Wrong With You?" And He Wouldn't Answer Me. He Would Ignore Me. Days Would Go By, Weeks And He Kept Me With This Painful Feeling In My Heart. I Felt This Level Of Abandonment And It Just Made Me Feel Emotionally Upset. He Would Randomly Appear Like It's Nothing And I Would Ask Him In A Rude Way. "What's Your Fucking Problem?".. He Would Hit Me Up In Random Hours Of The Night Or Morning. He Was Confusing The Hell Out Of Me Until I Had A Dream About Him. He Is 5"11 German With Jet Black Hair.. He Studied Medical And In My Dream He Was In College. I Was Looking Around The College Campus When I Saw Him In Front Of Me. I Realized In My Dream That He Had Feelings For Me. I Woke Up Very Confused And I Told Him About The Dream. I Even Describe How He Looked And He Goes "I Never Showed You A Photo Of Me But How Do You Know How I Look?" I Explained "I'm Not Sure.. I Tend To Predict Things All The Time. I Actually Predicted My Ex Fiancé Leaving Me And Moving Out But He Didn't. I Predicted Getting Cheated On Multiple Times And How I Was Going To Get Hurt. I Predicted My Cancer Ex Leaving My 2nd Job To Move Away And I Confronted Him. Which I Shouldn't Have Done And I Should Of Let Him Go. But This Dream Is Different. It Feels Safe And Such" I Didn't Know I Was Starting To Develop My Psychic Abilities Even Stronger During My Meditation.

During July 2021 I Was Starting My Spiritual Journey And The Gemini Was Very Supportive About It. He Encourage Me To Go Back To School, Travel And Study New Things. I Went Back To School For Medical Coding But I Dropped Out Fast. I Had A Panic Attack Because I Felt Like I Wasn't Good Enough.

He Told Me That You Must Take Your Time And Not Rush. Start Somewhere That Seems Comfortable For You.(Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer Energy)

I Started To Work Out And Worry About My Appearance.. My Health. I Went On A Diet That Helped My Bladder Condition. Which Actually Caused A Lot Of Fights In My Old Two Relationships With The Gemini/Aries/Scorpio And Cancer/Aries/Sag.. Who Didn't Understand That I Needed To Repair Myself Before Having Intercourse. I Needed A Breath From Sexuality But If I Didn't Do That.. I Was Basically Blamed For Not Feeling Sexually Connected With Them. They Kept Feeling Like "Whats Wrong With You?".. I Hated That Side Of Me And It Reminded Me Of My Past (A Old Karmic Pattern From My Ex Capricorn/Aries Who Would Get Mad At Me Because I Wasn't Sexually Active. I Was Depressed And I Wasn't Feeling The Sexual Connection)

I Was Able To Cure Myself And Stop Taking Birth Control. I Started To Lose Weight And Go For Meditation Walks. I Studied New Age, Metaphysics And Had My First Mentor Who Was A Woman(Cancer). My Psychic Abilities Were Tapping And I Was Grateful For Support. I Thought I Would Be Able To Have A Partnership With Him (The Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer) Because He Really Showed His Interest In Me. He Started To Be Devoted To My Sleep Schedule, Communication And Being More Emotionally Open With Me. We Would Talk For Days About Things That I Was Learning With Him. New Music, Science, History And Just Accepting Myself. He Made My Self Esteem Go Up And Taught Me To Express Myself Better. Encouragement Was A Plus With Him And He Was Always Teaching Me To Be Strong. He Taught Me That You Can Embrace The Dark And Light Of Things. Balance The Gray Energy Within Yourself.

But.. When It Came To Him.. He Didn't Believe In Himself. No Matter How Many Times I Told Him That I Believe He Can Do It. It Was Like I Had To Fight With Him For Him To Believe In Himself. He Was Able To Finish His Training In The Medical School That He Was Doing. I Told Him So Many Times That He Can Do This. He's A Workaholic(Scorpio), Gym Addict(Cancer) And Addicted To Knowledge(Gemini). He Wanted To Become A Cop But He Was Emotionally Unstable. He Dropped Out Of Police Academy To Change Careers And Become A Nurse. He Was Very Interesting To Pay Attention To But Never Once Face Time Or Phone Called Me. I Knew How He Looked From Old Photos But He Wouldn't Give Me Updated Photos Of Himself. He Was A Close Friend Of My Close Friend So I Was Able To Trust Him. He Helped Me Stop Being Afraid Of Things And He Encourage Me To Go Back To Smoking Weed. I Started To Smoke And It Helped Me To Mentally Relax. He Was Great Friend, A Great Teacher But A Bad Romance Interest.. He Taught Me That I Shouldn't Let Anyone Judge Me And Be Myself. He Believes That I Am Strong And I Am Able To Do Anything In My Life. 

He Was Right Because I Changed A Lot Of Myself With The Support That He Gave Me. I Wanted To Thank Him For All The Things He Did For Me. 

It Was October 2021, I Came To Visit My Ex Best Friend Cancer Who Was Finally Married To Her Lover Of 10 Years. I Was Very Insulted When I Wasn't Invited To Her Wedding. I Thought I Was Her Best Friend? But Honestly I Always Felt Like I Was Never Enough For Her. I Didn't Really Have Feelings For Her In A Sexual Way. It Was More Of A Protective Feeling.. But I Think She Was In Love With Me. I Should Of Seen The Signs And The Expensive Gifts That She Would Give Me. I Was Blind And I Didn't Realize What I Was Doing. I Was Heart Broken And Missing My Toxic Cancer Ex. During Those Times In October 2021 .. I Was Talking To My Gemini Ex Fiance, My Cancer Ex, My Sag First Love, A Aquarius Close Friend And My Cancer Ex Best Friend That I Was Visiting. Things Shifted That Day For Us When I Came To Visit And She Took Me To A Romantic Park That Was Mixed With Nature. We Walked Around The Park And Looked At The Colors Of The Leafs. I Was Finally Dealing With Fall Again And I Missed It So Much. It Reminded Me Of The Times I Went To Georgia To See A Close Friends Of Mine. I Still Talk To Them And Thankfully We Are Close. My Cancer Ex Best Friend Expressed And Asked Me.. "Would You Like To Sleep With Me?" And My Heart Broke Into Two Because She Knew How Much I Was Upset And Hurt Inside. I Looked At Her And I Said "No.. I Sadly Can't And You Know That". She Has Betrayed Me A Few Times In My Relationship With Her And Something Inside Me Didnt Want To Connect With Her Sexually. Something Felt Wrong About Her And I Developed The Energy Of A Demisexual. I Must Be Sexually, Emotionally, Physically And Mentally Connected To You. She Was Heart Broken And I Knew It.. She Lied To Me About Things She Was Doing In Her Marriage. I Told Her That Her Husband Was Being Dumb For Allowing That. I Didn't Want Her To Fuck Up Her Marriage And She Just Didnt Understand. I Was Trying To Protect The Marriage Instead Of Allowing It To Be Ruined. She Didn't Appreciate How Much I Wanted To Save Her. She Didn't Understand That I Didn't Want Her To Fuck Up Like I Did. I Ruined 2 Important Connections And I Wouldn't Want Her To Be Like Me. She Didn't Understand And She Kept Thinking That I Was Wrong. I Wasn't Wrong.. I Was Trying To Save You From Losing The Best Opportunity In Your Life. She Was The Moron Not Me..

I Wish I Had Someone To Love Me, Support Me, And Believe In Me Like Her Husband Does For Her. I Truly Dont Know If They Are Still Together Because I Finally Broke The Connection Between Us. She Requested Space From Me Because She Didn't Like How I Called Her Husband "Dumb". But Lets Be Honest Here? She Was Mad And Heart Broken That I Rejected Her Offer. I Was Miserable During My New York Trip And I Hated The Fact She Lied To Me. She Took Me To Expensive Places Even Though I Told Her I Didn't Have Enough Money To Be Spending Like That. I Felt Like When I Went To New York City That I Was By Myself. I Felt Like I Was Dealing With Everything Alone And I Was Miserable. I Was Crying Inside And I Hated Being Here. Its Funny Too Because NYC Is Actually The Place That I Feel That It's "Home" For Vacation Related Things Not To Stay Permanent. She Ruined That For Me For Awhile And Made It Taste Sour In My Mouth. 

It Was Halloween Night And Im Crying Inside While Everyone Is Sleeping For The Next Day. I Was Speaking To The Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer And My Aquarius Friend About What Was Going On. I Was Heart Broken And I Felt Lied To.. She Wanted Me To Be Her Partner Just Like The Others.. I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND! I Hated How I Had To Hurt Someone Else Just Because I Didn't Want To Deal With It. Why Is It Easy For Me To Say No To A Woman But Yes To A Male?!

(Reading This Reminds Me That I Finally Broke The Karma Lesson That I Needed To Learn About Women Friendships Over My Years)

I Was Speaking To The Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer Mostly And I Told Him I Just Wish I Knew What I Could Do. I Miss So Many Of My Friends And I Wish I Could Connect With Them. I Feel So Alone And This Isn't The Type Of Energy I Enjoy. He Asked Me "What Do You Miss The Most?" And I Thought To Myself.. "I Miss My Friend.. I Miss His Personality, How He Would Talk To Me And How We Would Connect. He Was The Only Connection That I Didn't Feel Judged" Aka Scorpio..

October 31,2021 (10/4/5:19 The Sun, The Wheel Of Fortune And The Magician)"Pray For It To Happen" He Said.. "Pray? I Don't Really Pray Anymore" I Said Stubborn And He Told Me "Sometimes You Should Pray And Connect One With God Even If You Don't Want To Call Him That. He's The Universe After All And Its Similar To The Witchy Side Of Life". I Thought To Myself .. He Wasn't Wrong About That And I Gave In. I Told Him "I Will Do What You Ask But Share Me The Prayer".. Serenity Prayer

God, Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change, The Courage To Change The Things I Can, And The Wisdom To Know The Difference. 

I Asked Him Out.. And I Asked If I Could Fly To See Him. He Told Me Yes And I Told Him When I Come Back To My Home Town.. We Could Arrange The Date Together. I Thought I Was Going To Finally Be Happy Again And Try Something Different. I Was Speaking To Someone Who Was 3 1/2 Hours Away From Me. He Was 3 Years Older Than Me. I Didn't Care.. He Was The Type Of Person I Wanted In My Life. I Thought.. It Was November And He Was Becoming Quiet And I Was Getting Nervous. Once Again He Was Doing His Disappearing Acts On Me. He Didn't Message Me Good Luck On My Flight Or Spoke To Me For Days. I Was Worried .. It's Been 3 Weeks.. I Was Worried.. Did I Fuck Up? What Did I Do Wrong? Am I The Problem? I Thought I Was Doing Better With My Behavior! He Had Personal Issues That He Didn't Want To Share At The Moment. He Was In Therapy, Dealing With Emotional Issues And Health Issues. He Never Told Me What Type Of Mental Illness He Had But I Think It Was Borderline Personality Disorder. He Told Me It Was Anxiety Depression But Honestly? With All The Behaviors And Putting Things Together. He Suffered With BPD And He Was Ashamed To Admit It To Me. My Best Friend Whos An Aries Really Didnt Like Him For Me And She Was Right. I Should Of Listened To Her...I Finally Heard From Him On Thanksgiving And I Was Worried. I Told Him How Upset I Was And I Wanted To Know What Was Going On! We Got Into An Arrangement And He Told Me I Needed To Learn To Stop Being Controlling. He Told Me That Sometimes We Need Space To Breath, Focus On Ourselves, Deal With Personal Issues That Aren't About You And You Need To Understand That I Am Also Working Dealing With My Own Issues. He's Right. I Controlled My Behavior And I Learned To Self Discipline Myself. No One Ever Confronted Me Like He Did And I Respected That About Him. He's Right And I Needed To Stop This Toxic Trait Of Myself That No One Ever Told Me. I Was Okay About The Judgement Because It Was A Wake Up Call. I Needed It.. He Was The Gemini(The Lovers Of Self Love),Scorpio (The Transformation Of Death) And Cancer (The Moon Of Emotions). He Was Teaching Me To Discipline Myself In The Year 2021(5) The Hierophant. He Was Mentally Preparing Me For My Future And How I Was Supposed To Be As A Person. We Finally Set A Date And It Was For December 10 2021 (12/1/5=18 The Moon And Hermit).I Am A Virgo Moon Dealing With The Scorpio Moon And Cancer Rising. We Went On A Date And It Felt Like A Old Fashion Type Of Date With Respect. He Knocked On The Door To Pick Me Up From Upstairs. He Walked Me To The Car And We Drove To The Mall Near By. He Wanted To Show Me The Christmas Lights But I Had Ptsd From My Past Relationship With My Ex. My Cancer Ex Boyfriend And My Gemini Ex Fiance Made The Holidays Fun For Once.. And I Missed The Memories And I Was Also Heart Broken Because During The Holidays. I Would Holiday Design My Ex Fiance's Apartment In My Hometown And My Apartment That Was 3 Hours Away. The Holidays Reminded Me Of Home And How Much I Missed My Family. I Wanted To Show That Love All Year Around Because It Was Like Therapy For Me. I Went On The Date With A Strong Mindset And I Tried My Best To Keep Myself In Control. I Was High And Drunk.. He Didn't Know.. I Was Day Drinking And I Took An Edible Before He Came To Pick Me Up. I Played Off My Energy So Well That I Was Able To Walk With Heels For 6 Hours. He Was Tall And I Was Fucking Short.. "I Am Only 4'11 And I Told Myself So Many Times. Ugh I Never Went On A Date With A Tall Guy Before.. I Can I Do This? Can I Handle This? Yes I Cant.. Wait No I Can! I Can Walk With These Heels On". I Would Say Those Things In My Mind. While Trying To Listen To Him And Pay Attention. He Was Confusing .. I Think He Was Nervous? He Spoke About His Last Ex Relationship And How She Was Controlling Of Him. Telling Him That He Can Be A Stay At Home Husband And She Can Become A Surgical Doctor. I Was Like "Why Is He Telling Me This?" While I Was Walking With Him But I Listened And I Didn't Judge Him. I Told Him That I Believe In Having An Equal Relationship With A Man. I Would Support Him With His Goals And I Hope He Supports Mine. I Want To Be Friends, Business Partners, Lovers And Just One Romantic Connections. I Didn't Care Where He Was Born, What's His Height Or If He Was Poor Or Rich. I Just Want To Be Happy And I Believe That One Day I Will. I Told Him That With A Strong Mindset Because I Wanted Him To Understand Where I Am Coming From. I Dealt With So Many Broken Up Relationships That I Wanted To Show How Devoted I Was And How Much I Truly Wanted A Healthy Relationship. We Ended Up Not Eating That Day From Talking Too Much.. Fuck I Was Hungry.. I Was Tired.. But I Played Along And Kept Talking. We Went Back To Our Friend's Apartment Because I Was Staying There. We Were In The Car And I Finally Wanted To Share Something To Him. I Gave Him Crystals And I Just Wanted Him To Understand How Much I Appreciate Him. I Gave Him Gemini Crystals: Rainbow Moonstone, Peach Moonstone, Moonstone, Cancer Crystal: Black Tourmaline And Scorpio Crystal: Smoky Quartz. I Explained To Him It Was To Balance Himself, Feel The Love And Support From Me. I Just Wanted To Share My Knowledge That He Taught Me And How Much I Appreciated Him. I Normally Like Giving People Crystals As A Gift Of Appreciation And Love. I Got Nervous And I Thought .. Uhm What Now? I Got Nervous And I Kissed Him. He Didn't React To It.. And He Didnt Really Kiss Me Back. It Felt Dry And No Feeling. I Sat There And I Go "Is Something Wrong? Am I The Problem Here?" And He Goes "No". I Told Him "Whats Wrong? Why Are You Not Reacting?" And He Goes "I Feel Indifferent" And That Crushed Me. "I Thought You Said You Liked Me? And You Wanted To Go On This Date.. Is That Why You Were Cancelling Ahead Of Time?! Before Today?" And He Said "Yes Because I Believe I Was Making A Mistake" And I Felt Hurt Even More.. "Why Didnt You Stop Me.. You Knew It Was A 2 Hour Trip To Get Here".. I Took 2 Planes To Get Here And I Went Through A Very Uncomfortable Flight That I Was Surprised I Was Able To Handle. He Goes "Really?" And I Go "Yes Because You Taught Me To Relax And Believe In Faith".. He Taught Me The Religious Side Of Him And To Love Myself More. Everything Changed, Everything Shifted That Day... I Spoke To Him When He Got Home And He Wished Me Goodnight After We Said Goodbye To Each Another. I Asked Him "Lets Just Give It A Try As Friends Tomorrow?.. See Where It Goes?" He Smiled And Agreed. He Told Me When He Was Walking Me Upstairs That He Will See Me Tomorrow And He Will Give Us A Chance To Try Again Tomorrow As Friends. Why Did I Feel Like That Was A Lie And He Was Going To Really Break My Heart? I Was Right.. He Did.. It Was The Next Day And I Woke Up Really Early. I Was Getting Ready Because I Was Told By 1:30pm That I Was Getting Picked Up.. And I Was Super Nervous.. I Started To Day Drink And Smoke. I Was Asked "Drinking So Early? What Are You Going To Do Today?" And I Said "Im Not Sure But Supposedly He Wants To Hang Out With Me On My Last Day".. My Friend Was Worried About Me And He Could Tell Something Was Wrong. I Was Being Stood Up And I Was Wasting Time Waiting For This Guy. I Waited By The Phone While Drinking Heavy % Of Alcoholic Beverages. Yeah I Had A Strong Drinking Problem.. I Always Did. I Was Smoking Heavy And I Felt NO Effect Of Anything. I Was Anxious And I Couldn't Control  Myself. I Finally Got A Text Around 4:30pm. I Was Getting A Apology For Not Responding. I Knew He Was Lying But I Kept Going Along With It. He Was Talking About What Happened To Him And I Went Along With It. I Told Him I Was Waiting For Him This Whole Time And I Got Ready For Him. We Kept Going Back And Forth But There Was No Answers To Anything. It Switched To Hot To Cold Instantly And He Was Telling Me That He Shouldn't Have Went On That Date. I Told Him "Why?" And He Said "I Feel Like We Should Just Stay Friends". I Explained How I Didnt Understand.. "We Had Fun Together And It Was For 6 Hours!" And Mind You I Was Trying My Best Not To Be Nervous Around Him. I Wanted To Sound Smart And Be Normal Around Him. "It Isn't You And I Want You To Understand That" .. I Didn't Understand And He Kept Going. He Goes "So What? Are We Seeing Each Another" And I Said "I Dont Know Are We?" .. "Are You Willing To Come Over?" And Suddenly He Told Me That It Was Getting Late. "No, Prepare For Your Flight For Tomorrow And Rest Up". I Explained How I Would Like To See Him Before I Leave. It Would Mean A Lot To Me Mostly That I Am Leaving Soon And I Won't Be Able To Come Back For Awhile. "I Think We Shouldn't Talk For Awhile And I Feel I Need My Space".

He Blocked Me And I Felt Crushed. I Never Felt Like Crying This Hard In A Long Time And I Was Embarrassed Because.. I Was Hanging Out With A Friend That I Didn't Want To Show My Weakness To. He Knew Very Well That It Was Difficult For Me To Open Up. Mostly That I've Been So Mentally Abused By Men In My Life. He Didn't Want To Say "I Told You So" But I Could Tell By The Way He Looked At Me. He Gave Me A Hug And I Cried So Hard. I Didn't Want To Cry And Show I Was Vulnerable. I Never Like Crying And I Never Like Showing Anyone How Much I Cry. I've Only Shown.. 4 People In My Life .. My Vulnerability Side Of Tears. I Never Enjoyed To Cry Or Show Who I Was As A Feminine. I Wanted People To See I Am Strong And I Can Handle Anything. I Was Taken To The Book Store To Pick Up Books And I Just Didn't Know What To Get. I Was Hoping Maybe I Would Bump Into The Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer One More Time But That Was False Hope. I Looked At The Transformation Area And I Picked Out 2 Books That I Wanted To Buy. Once Again.. Im Clueless Okay? I Dont Know What I Buy Sometimes. My Friend Bought Me A Book Of Law Of Affirmation That He Recommended And I Picked Moon Phase With A Book Of Past Life Connections. I Prepared For My Flight For The Next Day By Crying Myself To Sleep With The Lights All Red In The Room. Hating How I Felt And How I Trusted A Stranger That Gave Me Mental Mind Tricks. I Didn't Know If It Was A Blessing Or A Curse. Eventually Life Will Teach Me And You Know What? He Was The Hierophant And Temperance That I Needed To Learn During 2021. He Was The Test That I Needed To Learn About Myself Before I Can Connect With Others. I Was Lost And Confused About Myself.. I Needed To Focus On What He Recommended Me To Learn. 

• Philosophy 
• Religion
• Metaphysics 
• Norse, Greek, Underworld Gods
• Divination
• Tapping Into Matrix Math
• Medical Science
• Robotic Science
• Medical Robotic
• History 
• Loving Myself
• Education
• Work Dedication

I Was Heart Broken For Awhile And I Hid That Energy From My Cancer Ex Who Was Still In My Life And My Gemini Ex Fiance. I Only Shared It With My First Love Sag About Everything That Happened To Me And He Was Confused. He Told Me That I Need To Focus On Myself And Maybe Try Going Back To School. He's Right.. I Did And I Went Back To Medical Coding Again. I Focused On Religion And I Started To Connect More With God. I Didn't Go To Church Every Single Sunday. I Went To Church During The Full Moon And New Moon Praying With The Holy Water And Candles In My House. I Was Learning More About Divination With The Runes That Were Given To Me. My Close Friend Whos An Aquarius Who Warned Me About The Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer Wanted Me To Focus On Myself And Be Careful Who I Spoke To. I Promised Him That I Will Be Much More Cautious. I Won't Allow Anyone To Hurt Me And He Was Right. I Was Focus On School Even Though It Was Pretty Hard At First But If Anyone Could Do It.. I Know I Can! I Was Focus On My Work Out Routes And Losing Weight. I Was Back On The Road Again By Working Out And Trying To Learn More Medical Science In My Lessons. I Learned So Much More Than I Was Supposed To.. I Was Helping My Cancer Ex Who Was Manipulating Me. I Was Being Kind, Support, And Helping Him With Anything He Needed With His Family. He Was Acting Like The Helpless One.. I Was Wrong. He Wanted To String Me Along For His Pleasures And His Loneliness. He Would Speak To Me Morning, Mid And Night Each Day.. Until He Broke Me.. He Broke Me One More Time And I Couldn't Deal With. How Many Times Is He Going To Break Me? He Broke Up With Me 6 Times? Now This Is The 1st Time After Our Break Up? 7 The Chariot And Tower Comes In. Alright.. Let's See Do I Really Love Myself? Do I? 6 Is The The Lovers And I Needed To Learn To Love Myself ONCE AND FOR ALL. He Told Me Something That Triggered Me.. "You're My Best Friend And I Need To Tell You Something" I Calmly Was Waiting For Him To Tell Me That He Wanted Me Back. I Was Wrong..

(This Was My Karma For Always Breaking The Heart Of My First Love And My Ex Fiance For Always Telling Them About My New Relationshiop Connections. How I Needed To Learn To Keep Things Private And Just Let Go)

He Broke Me Into Two And I Think What He Did Was Released The Inner Demons Out Of Me. It Was Mother's Day Once Again And The Full Moon In Scorpio Was In Blood Lunar Eclipse In 3 Days. I Don't Know What Happened That Day But He Release An Energy That I Needed To Learn To Tame. This Energy Was Very Strong.. I Burnt My Roses And Broke Something Of Mine That I Didn't Understand. He Felt It From The Phone How Angry I Was And I Release Stuff That I Couldn't Control. He Really Got Under My Skin Once More Time And I Just Couldn't Deal With Him. I Released A Strong Sharp Tongue At Him That Had Painful Words Of Stabbing Energies. I Wanted To Destroy Him Emotionally. I Ignored Him After That Day And I Focused On Myself Crying. During That Time.. I Was Meeting New Friends, New Connections, And Finding Myself Again. Before All Of This Happened During April 29,2022 Before The Solar Eclipse. I Asked For A New Beginning With Any Connection Close To The Waters. I Didn't Care Where They Were Coming Far As Long As I Had Healthy Boundaries With People. 

I Was Going Through A New Change In My Personality And Understanding Myself Better. Loving Myself And Learning To Appreciate Myself. I Started To Have New Friends With Better Healthy Boundaries. They Were Broken Like Me But They Knew How To Respect Me. They Showed An Appreciation That I Never Felt Before. I Was Able To Trust My Friends Even If I Had Obstacles All Around Me. I Was Afraid To Connect With Guys And I Was Scared To Date Anyone. I Was So Shut Off From My Emotions Because My Ex Boyfriend Just Kept Hurting Me. Until That One Day... Life Changed.. I Gave Things A Try And I Trusted Even Though I Was Suffering With Ptsd, Bipolar, Anxiety Depression And Just Being Hopeless But Learning To Grow. I Was Still Learning To Become Strong And Balance Myself Again. I Was Going Through Therapy, Spiritual Practices With My Mentors And Learning To Focus On Education, Work And Health Routes.

Chapter 18: I Reconnected With The Scorpio That Disappeared Out Of My Life.

If Only He Knew How Much I Was Happy To Reconnect With Him And How Much I Cared For Him. I Still Care, I Still Appreciate And I Still Worry For Him. He Means So Much To Me And I Always Think Of Him. Once Again He Showed Me The Kindness That I Hadn't Felt In Along Time. It Was The Type Of Kindness That Made Me Feel Like Home And Feeling So Relaxed. I Felt Like I Was On Cloud 9 Or Laying On My Back On The Lazy Rivers Floating. It Felt So Great.. I Felt High All The Time In A Good Way.

Otherworldly, Otherworldly

Otherworldly, Otherworldly

Otherworldly, Otherworldly

Otherworldly, Otherworldly

You're Like An Angel's Song
I'm On My Knees Waiting For The Sound
Stuck In A World Gone Wrong
So Lift Me Up, I'll Never Let You Down

Light Like A Brand-New Day
Surreal And Astounding
The Site Of A Mystery
But I'm Here On The Ground

Bring Me To The Edge And Let Me Stay
Pull Me In, I'll Never Push Away
Searching For The Words That I Can Say
How It Feels When You're With Me

Otherworldly, Otherworldly
Send A Light Then, I'll Be Waiting
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
I Come Alive When You Are With Me
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
Far Away From All The Mayhem
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
At The Speed Of Light And Beauty

Supernatural
Like An Oracle
When Darkness Starts To Call
You'll Find Me After All
A Face That Could Emanate
A Stare Like A Spotlight
If You Guide Me Into Your Space
I'll Be There At The First Light

Otherworldly, Otherworldly
Send A Light Then, I'll Be Waiting
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
I Come Alive When You Are With Me
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
Far Away From All The Mayhem
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
At The Speed Of Light And Beauty

I Wanna Become Lucid
Clear Just Like A Window
I Tried Too Hard To Open Up
And Show You What's Behind It
But You Didn't Need To Hear Me
'Cause You Were Supraliminal
Knew Me Without An Uttered Word
You Always Seemed To Know Me

An Ethereal Feeling
That I Cannot Describe
The Way That I Feel You
Something That I Cannot Hide
How You Illuminate
In A Profound Way, I Feel Your Space
I Can't Explain This Place You're Taking Me

Otherworldly, Otherworldly
Send A Light Then, I'll Be Waiting
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
I Come Alive When You Are With Me
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
Far Away From All The Mayhem
Otherworldly, Otherworldly
At The Speed Of Light And Beauty

But They Told Him, "Beware
Do Not Fly Too Close To The Sun"
The Blaze Will Surly Melt Their Wings
But Alas, He Fell
His Cries Swallowed By The Sea

-Otherworldly Starset

I Knew Very Well That I Was Very Happy To Have This Reconnection Again. Even Though I Was Still Learning To Love Myself. I Was Happy To Have This Person Back Into My Life. He Is The Chariot With The Tower And He Was Filled With A Lot Of Painful Moments In His Life. He Dealt With So Much Pain In His Life That He Would Always Repeat It To Me. "I Got Hurt 15 Times" And I Kept Saying .. "I Have Gotten Hurt The Same Amount Maybe More" .. I Wasn't Wrong And I Wish He Understood How Much I Understand Him. I Understand His Pain,  I Understand What He Goes Through Mentally And I Know His Life Is Tough. I Mean.. After All.. I Am The Devil 15 And Lovers 6. I Understand VERY CLEARLY How He's Feeling. I Truly Do.. I Really Do Because I See A Lot Of Him In Me. He Reminds Me To Never Give Up On Myself And Keep Going. Be Determine, Work Driven, Dedicated To Goals And Keep On Going With Life. He Really Was Strong Even Though He Didn't Believe That About Himself. I Always Reminded Him How Much I Believed In Him, Supported Him, And I Appreciated Him. I Still Do.. Don't Get Me Wrong.. I Really Care So Much For This Person. He's The Only Person That I Protected Him From My Toxic Side Of Me. I Never Once Showed Him What Type Of Person I Was In My Past. He Saw A New Me That I Was Creating.. I Was In The Development Phase Of My Life And I Was Fixing Myself Again. I Was Repairing, Rebuilding And Reconnecting Myself Again. I Wanted Him To Understand That This New Me Is Learning To Become Better. This New Me Is Completely Different Than The Girl He Met When I Was Younger. I Was A Different Person And I Created A New Version Of Myself That I Am So Proud Of. 

I Became Katherine Selene Since 2019 And Renamed Myself Again During 2022.. (2019 Is The Hanged Man And Empress.. Suffering To The Universe To Grow As The Feminine And 2022 Is The Lovers With The Devil. Loving Myself And Respecting Myself From Toxic Energies)

For Once I Was Proud Of Who I Was And What I Share About Myself. I Wanted To Share My Pain And How I Was Growing To Be. Yes I Had My Doubts At Times And I Was Insecure About Things. I Was Still Getting Treated And I Was Opening Up To Someone That Made Me Feel Vulnerable. He Always Made Me Feel Weak To My Knees, Nervous In A Good Way, And I Would Express Myself In A Way That I Couldn't Believe How Sensitive I Could Be. I Felt This Romantic Energy Within Me That I Wanted To Express. I Wanted To Show Him My Support, My Loyalty And How Much He Meant To Me. I Was There For Him During Dark Times And Good Times Of Our Connection. We Were Seeing Each Another For 5 Months And We Ended Up Disconnecting Slowly.. During The 4 Months.. It Was Tough For Me And I Tried My Best To Show That I Am Still Here. I Am Still Here To Listen, Support And Show I Care. Well.. It's Been 4 Extra Months Of Silence And The Only Thing I Can Do Is Continue My Journey Alone For Now. I've Been Transforming Through Out My 4 Months Of Silence. I've Been Going Within Myself And Out. 

• I Am Almost Finishing Medical Coding Education
• I Am Studying Astrology
• Learning More About Metaphysics, Self Transformation
• Discipline Of The Mind, Body And Soul
• Tapping Into My Psychic Abilities
• Focusing On My Goals 
• Focusing On My Appearance
• Focusing On My Health
• Loving Myself And Only Me.

I Promised Myself That I Wouldn't Put Myself With Any Connection That Wasn't Worth My Time. I Also Learned That There's So Many People Who Respect Me For Me. Who Appreciate Me For Me And Show Me A Kindness Within Their Hearts. I Told Myself Okay So The Disconnection Ended Up Happening But Maybe It Isn't Me. Maybe The Energy Is Dealing With Their Own Inner Work And They Just Need Space. It's Fine Because At Least This Time Around. I Am Not Alone Anymore And I'm Connecting With The Right People. He Also Saw The True Self That I Always Wanted To Be To Him. Yeah I Would Express My Pain But I Was Also Helping Him Understand That I Am Growing And I Am Proud Of Myself. It's Finally Over And I Am Able To Express The New Me! I Love Myself And I Am Proud Of Myself Even Though My Goals Hadn't Bee Finished Yet. I Am Still Going Through Goal Changes And Phases Of Myself That Needs To Be Cleanse. I Am Growing Up To The Me That I Always Wanted To Be. I Am The Star Card!

Chapter 20:

I Believe That I've Learned After All These Years Who's Right To Keep In My Life Even If We Don't Speak Or Connect At The Moment. And The Connections That You Need To Close And Block Out Of Your Life. I Recommend To Keep Them There And Never Look Back. I Have Connections That I Hadn't Spoken To In Awhile But The Door Is Open For Them To Communicate. The Door Is Wide Open And The Light Is On For Them. They Need To Focus On Themselves While I Am Focus On Mine. One Day We Will Reconnect Into The Same Path And Update Each Another. I Know And I Believe That The Right People Will Return Back Into My Life. As For The Ones That I Deleted And Block. I Am So Happy That They Are Gone And I Feel So Much Better.

Chapter 21:

I Believe That I've Learned After All These Years Who's Right To Keep In My Life Even If We Don't Speak Or Connect At The Moment. And The Connections That You Need To Close And Block Out Of Your Life. I Recommend To Keep Them There And Never Look Back. I Have Connections That I Hadn't Spoken To In Awhile But The Door Is Open For Them To Communicate. The Door Is Wide Open And The Light Is On For Them. They Need To Focus On Themselves While I Am Focus On Mine. One Day We Will Reconnect Into The Same Path And Update Each Another. I Know And I Believe That The Right People Will Return Back Into My Life. As For The Ones That I Deleted And Block. I Am So Happy That They Are Gone And I Feel So Much Better.

 Chapter 20:

During November I Was Dealing With A Lot Of Tough Situations That I Needed To Snap Out Of. I Dealt With Someone Who Kept On Manipulating Me Which Was My Cancer Ex. I Still Had Him In My Life Because I Just Felt Like There Was Something More. Eh But Why Am I Not Interested In Him Anymore? My Emotions Felt Dull And I Didn't Care About What He Thought Of Me. I Felt Disconnected Sexually Of Him And I Didn't Have No Interest. He Kept Stringing Me Along With His Little Games. I Kept Feeling Like I Knew More And About The Things He Would Tell Me. During October He Triggered Me With "I Speak To You On Monday Okay?" And My Stomach Dropped. I Was Like "Why Do You Need To Schedule Yourself To Speak To Me?" .. I Thought He Was With His Mother But Something Felt Different In The Energies. Something Didn't Feel Right. I Had Multiple Triggers In The Heart Like Pulls Of String From Back. I Felt Like Something Was Being Ripped Off Me? Heh Something Wasn't Right And I Think I Knew This Was The End. I Finally Started To Tap Into My Psychic Abilities More. I Would Meditate And Dream Into Different Dimensions. I Was Able To Face The Darkness By Myself And Handle The Darkness With No Fear. 

Alchemy, Alchemy
Tell Me What You've Done To Me

I Waited 'Til The Moon Had Risen High
Escaped Your Tide And Pull On Me
I Piloted The Labyrinths Of Lies
Haunted By The Hooks In Me

And Now I'm Falling Right Back Into The Trap That You Set For Me
Back Inside Your Spell, I'm Back In Your Sorcery

Alchemy, Alchemy
Tell Me What You've Done To Me
Synthesized And Transformed
Pathetic Lifeform
Alchemy, Alchemy
I Don't Want Your Drug In Me
You Get Me High 'Til I Want More
But You Hit Like Chloroform (Oh-Oh)
You Hit Like Chloroform (Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

I Fell In Right For The Fantasy
Enchanted By The Chemistry
The More That You Took The More I See
I'm Locked Inside A Conjuring
I'm Just A Mannequin Stuck
In Your Plans Again
Struck By The Trance You Put Me In
Plant Your Curse Under My Skin, It's

Alchemy, Alchemy
Tell Me What You've Done To Me
Synthesized And Transformed
Pathetic Lifeform
Alchemy, Alchemy
I Don't Want Your Drug In Me
You Get Me High 'Til I Want More
But You Hit Like Chloroform

I Let The Beast In You Get The Best Of Me
Tossed Aside Like Old Debris You Don't Need
I Finally Removed The Mask You Made
So You Can't Hide The Masquerade Underneath
(Underneath, Underneath, Underneath)

And Now I'm Falling Right Back Into The Trap That You Set For Me
Back Inside Your Spell, I'm Back In Your Sorcery

Alchemy, Alchemy
Tell Me What You've Done To Me
Synthesized And Transformed
Pathetic Lifeform
Alchemy, Alchemy
I Don't Want Your Drug In Me
You Get Me High 'Til I Want More
But You Hit Like Chloroform (Oh-Oh)
You Hit Like Chloroform (Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

(Ladies And Gentleman
(You're About To Be Astounded, You're About To Be Amazed)
(What I Am About To Show You Is Not An Illusion)
(This Is A Skill I've Learned From The Ancient Masters Of The Far East)
(Before Your Eyes, I Will Make A Person Disappear)

-Alchemy -Starset

He Hurt Me And I Asked For Help With The Alchemy That I Know. The Alchemy That I Was Taught By The Gemini/Scorpio/Cancer And Learning The Healthy Boundaries That Scorpio/Aquarius/Virgo Was Teaching Me. I Got Curious And I Started To Watch A Show That The Scorpio Was Really Into. The Show That I Was Watching Taught Me So Much To Tap Into A Different Worlds. I Was Able To Understand The Tarot, Connections, Spirit Guides, Powers Within Us, And How To Believe To Have Faith Within. My Cancer Ex Noticed That I Was Becoming Smart And He Was Afraid. I Didn't Want To Share The Pains I Had During My Times With My Ex Fiance Or Anyone I Know.. I Needed To Worry About Myself And Try To Face This Demon On My Own..

( I Finally Learned To Keep My Issues To Myself And Just Worry About How Fix It Or Deal With Them)

My Dreams Were Becoming Scary And I Didn't Know If They Were Real Or Not. November 11 Was Very Interesting Day Because I Had A Dream That Woke Me Up. I Predicted I Was Living A Lie All Over Again And I Needed To Release Myself. I Didn't Hear From My Cancer Ex For Days And He Was Acting Different. I Felt He Was Hiding Something From Me But Like He Always Said "I Wouldn't Lie To You" .. Right. The Day Of 11/11 I Wished To Find Myself Balance And The Truth. 11 Means Justice And 2 In High Priestess.. The Connection That I Dealt With Was With Hekate. Hekate Is The Godddess Of The Spiritual Realms. I Am Hekate By Calling Myself "Katherine" In The Geek Energies. She's The One Who Teaches Us Balance Within Ourselves. She's Also The Moon Phases Of The New Moon, Half Moons And Full Moons. We Go Through Moon Phases Each Day "The Moon" Is Our Emotions. I Asked For Balance With The Help Of Anubis .. He Has Always Took Care Of Me During My Path. No One Understood Him Until Now When I Share About My Connection With Anubis. I Woke Up In The Middle Of 3am Breathing Heavenly And I Tapped Into The Energies Of What Was Given To Me.

I Found The Hidden Secrets And Once Again He Broke Me. Once Again He Broke My Heart For The 2nd Time.. 8 Times? Strength? Heh.. I Found Out The Truth About What He Was Hiding And How I Predicted Everything. He Hurt Me In A Way That I Couldn't Stand About Him Anymore Or Hear His Voice Or Communicate In A Conversation With Him. I Was Disgusted But I Wanted To Be Revengeful. "Wait No..Don't" Something Was Holding Me Back From The 5D And Told Me To Keep It In Control. "They Will Learn And You Will Transform" And I Calmed Myself Down. (The Star/Strength Of May 29,2018 Came Back And I Am Finally Completed A New Transformation Of Myself)

I Allowed This Energy To Go On It's Own And Do What It Needed To Do. During The Confrontation.. I Showed The Cancer Ex All The Proof That I Found On My Own And I Released It To Everyone To Read. He Deleted/Blocked Me.. "Fucking Coward" And I Called Him That Day To Speak To Him. He Answered Me And I Asked Him "Why Are You Hiding From Me? Why Couldn't You Be Honest Like I Was?".. I Told Him That I Moved On And I Was Seeing Someone Else. I Was Seeing Someone That Was Making Me Happy And I Protected The Scorpio Once Again. I Didn't Want To Share Details Of Who He Is Or Anything. I Just Said I Was Seeing Someone But He Just Knew How To Manipulate Me. He Really Was Good At It.. And I Hated That About Him. He Knew How To Get Me In My Vulnerability. I Was On The Phone Calm.. Patient.. Holding My Anger In Check. "This Isn't Me" And I Kept Saying To Myself. The Cancer Was Nervous On The Phone And He Told Me "I Didn't Want To Tell You Because I Was Afraid" And I Go "You Should Be Afraid Of Me Now Instead Of Hiding Things".. I Was Super Angry And I Kept Myself Calm. I Just Didn't Want To Get Mad Anymore. I Was Tired Of It And It Was Over Between Us ... Every Connection That He Thought He Had With Me. NO MORE... Our Friendship Was Over, Our Romance Was Over And My Trust. I Am Not Going To Allow Someone To Try To Manipulate Me Like He Did. Never Again! And It Made Me So Angry. I Told Him "I Knew Something Was Wrong And It Makes So Much Sense Why I Didn't Want To Speak To You".. I Knew Deep Down That He Was Using Me Again Like A Clutch. I Told Him That I Didn't Want To Speak To Him Ever Again And I Just Want To Be Removed Off The Phone Bill. The Phone Bill Was The Only Thing Keeping Us Together. He Was Giving Me A Discounted Price Of A Phone Bill To Help Me With My Financial Issues. I Didn't Pay For The Bill In 5 Months Because I Believe I Deserve The Money He Owes Me. He Owes Me Over $6k .. I Went To Therapy Because Of Him, I Spend Money On Furniture And I Had To Pay Off Bills That I Wasn't Able To Afford. Did He Ever Pay Me Back? Nope.. He Didn't Care. I Finally Said My Goodbyes After Giving Him One Last Trial Test Of Trust. I Requested Money From Him In A Very Patient Manner.. I Requested Money For My Birthday And He Promised Me That He Will Send Me $. I Didnt Believe Him And I Let It Flow On Its Own. 

(February 22,2023 2/4/7: 13 The Death Card And Emperor: Transformation And May 1st, 2023 Is The Same As This Energy)

My Birthday Was .. It Had A Interesting Feeling.. The Friends That I Had Around Me Wished Me Happy Birthday, My Parents But The 2 People I Wanted To Hear From. Either One Of Them Spoke To Me. I Didn't Hear From The Scorpio Or The Cancer. I Didn't Care Much About The Cancer.. I Just Wanted The Money He Owes Me. The Scorpio Was The One I Missed The Most And Hadn't Heard From. It Was A Month Of Not Hearing From Him And I Was Heart Broken. "He Might Be Busy.. It's Fine.. He Will Message Me Up Eventually".. He Never Did And The Person Who Became My Teacher During The Time Of Separation Between This Scorpio. My Teacher Showed Me So Much Appreciation That It Felt Enough Even Though. I Wished On My Birthday.. To Hear From That One Person, The Scorpio.. My Days Were Okay.. And I Started To Focus On Myself. I Did.. And I Kept Going But My Mentor Reminded Me. "You Must Cut The Cords Between You Guys (The Cancer) Or You Will Never Grow".. I Needed To Face The Cancer And Tell Him I Can't Be In His Phone Line Anymore. The Phone Line Was An Energy Of Manipulator And Control. He Was Paying My Bill Without Accepting A No And I Didn't Want It Anymore. I Requested Him To Remove Me Off The Account On March 4,2023 (14 The Temperance And 5 Hierophant).. I Needed My Peace And I Needed To Be Respected. I Didn't Hear From Him Anymore After The Phone Number Was Released. He Ignored Me Instantly And Started To Go A Different Path. I Didn't Care Anymore And I Closed The Door.. He Ruined Me But I Am Back Again And I Am Stronger Than Ever! I Don't Care Anymore That He Did This To Me Because I Needed To Grow Up. I Was Able To Dodge 3 Divorces, No Kids And Not Have To Deal With Issues Of Being A Single Mother. I Am Blessed And I Am Prepared For A New Beginning With My New Partner Whenever That Time Comes For Me.

I Was Finally Free From The Monster That I Didn't Want Anymore And I Started To Love Myself Again. A Lot Of Connections Started To Disappear And My Mentor Reminded Me Over And Over. "Connections Come In And Out Like The Ocean Tides." He's Right.. Because Sometimes The Connections That I Was Close To. They Would Disappear For Days Or I Didn't Speak For Days. It Was Either Myself Being Disconnected Or The People In My Life. I Started To Learn That I Needed Healthy Boundaries And To Build My Own Foundation. I Was Finally Feeling "Whole" Again And I Was Finally Learning To Be Myself.

I Am So Thankful.